Page 5 of Insatiable

“Ms. Charles. I know this is hard to hear, and I want to offer my sincere apologies for causing you further distress. We know none of this is easy to have to recall so soon. I will leave my card with you. We will be in touch,” I hear one of the detectives say. I can hear them exit straight away, the sound of the door closing behind them gives me a sense of relief. The sound of hard-sole shoes moving rapidly towards me, before strong hands hold my knees steady. Warmth spreads throughout my body.

Cace’s deep voice penetrates the walls my panic has built up around me. “Breathe, Tay.” The familiar sound of his voice has tears spilling from my eyes. I try to do what he says, breathing in and out. Focusing on his soothing voice brings back unwanted memories. Of words left unsaid, of walking away from him—from all of them. Thinking about our past together, I gratefully latch onto the memories of my past with him instead of focusing on James. It all seems so trivial now, considering what I’ve been through. Our wants and needs pulled us all in different directions. ‘It was for the best,’ I’d told myself back then. Now look at me, I’m a mess.

“Tate. Let’s get you out of here,” Cace says after my breathing returns to normal. I finally lift my head again to focus on the man in front of me. Dark brown skin, tall, still running everyday it seems. If I’m not mistaken there’s a little bit more muscle added to his frame. His beautiful face hasn’t changed behind his black-rimmed glasses and neatly trimmed beard. Cace stands and reaches out his hand for me to grab. His white crisp button-down shirt looks a little more creased since I last saw him, and his sleeves are rolled up, revealing strong forearms. Cace’s eyes are rocking the tired look with bags under them, but that comes with the territory of being a doctor. I smile slightly. I instantly feel a sense of pride for his accomplishments and achieving his dream to become a doctor. I quickly shift gears again, not wanting to delve too deeply into old emotions.

“I need to make plans to travel. I hadn’t realized I was in Santa Barbara, Cace.” I don’t have much here. The paramedics did manage to grab my tote with all the things I usually keep in there, so I have that at least.

“About that.” He quickly turns, rubbing his hands over his neatly cut hair and down his face. “Tate. Hear me out.” He faces me again; his eyes steadfastly pierce mine with so much emotion it takes my breath away.

“What’s wrong?” I ask as movement outside the door catches both of our undivided attention.

I gasp in surprise. My eyes go wide, and I’m sure my mouth could catch flies with the way it gapes open. I quickly try to compose myself as I stand and fold my arms over my chest. I can handle one of them invading my space but not two.

With a big, bright smile that reaches his light hazel eyes, he steps through the door and back into my life. Honey-brown skin, the same shade as mine. All lean and toned, exactly how I remember. I look from him, then back to Cace.

“Hey, Tatter-tot.” Another nickname fills the air, and I want to breathe in the nostalgia and fall into those warm and cozy memories, but I can’t. I can’t. Not now, not like this.

“Jay,” I barely get his name out of my mouth before I am wrapped up in his muscular embrace.

Well, universe, kick a sistah whilst she’s down. Four months ago, I thought I had met my quota of shock. I was sure we were settled, the universe and I, but it seems as though she was just getting started.

I tap my hands against the steering wheel, head bobbing, belting the lyrics to “Beautiful Eyes” by Glenn Lewis, it’s one of my favorite songs by him. Yep, I am feeling nostalgic. Listening to an album from a happier time in my life, when things felt easier. Easier because we had her. You don’t realize how carefree you are in your early twenties. Of course, you feel like the world is bearing down on you with all the decisions you have to make in that short period of time in your life. This is when you're supposed to make the life altering choices that catapults you into the rest of your adult life. You laugh, love, and fuck your way through life like Superman. Invincible, ready to take on the world with shiny optimism. Of course, life makes you its bitch quick fast in a hurry, and before you know it reality slaps you back down to earth. I get lost in another stanza of lyrics, letting my voice ring out and wishing she was here to sing with me. Tate and I would always sing together. We were suckers for a duet. Her sweet voice perfectly complemented my own. We were just meant to be.

‘Oh, how true, she was heaven sent,’ I think to myself as I sing along. Yet, she walked away—I let her walk away—we all did. Okay, nope. I will not tarnish this wonderful musical moment with the sadness of the past.

The chorus starts again, and I am excited because I finally get to see my girl, the eyes he mentions in the song reminds me of Tate. I’m so happy I want to jump out of the SUV and dance around the parking lot.

“Come on, Glenn,” I shout aloud, snapping my fingers to the beat in the visitor parking lot of the hospital. Passersby look at me strangely, yet I ignore them and keep on dancing. Cace told me he would call when they were exiting the building but glancing down at my watch as I continue to rock back and forth to the music, I realize that was an hour ago. I have a feeling Cace has not talked to Tate like he said he would. “Typical,” I say to Glenn who is still crooning on about beautiful eyes.

I smile thinking of Tate as the song ends. The memory of the day I bought this album is still fresh in my mind. Saturday morning visits to the local bookstore, breakfast at our favorite diner, and then a mid-afternoon stroll to visit our friends in the music store. Perfect. I bought this album with my Tate, and I have held on to it for dear life ever since. In fact, I treasure every album I bought with her. The memories of her smile as we’d got in the car, with no destination in mind, because the time was ours. We’d drive around town until we’d listened to all the CDs we purchased that day. It was Tate and Jamal against the world. Jamal Maxwell, Computer Science major, and I was invisible to everyone around me. Total geek mode. I had no other outlets besides music and my studies. I kept everyone around me at bay, everyone except Tate. The day she heard Songs in the Key of Life by Stevie Wonder blasting from my open dorm room door we became fast friends.

All three of us wormed our way into her life in our own special way. For my Tatter-tot and I, it was music. I look out over the parking lot again and check my watch. My patience is nonexistent. I want, no, need to see her. Cace has kept me from her bedside this entire time saying he didn’t want to stress her out with the two of us together. Of course, I call bullshit. He wants her all to himself. I’m not surprised there. That was the problem from jump. By the time we got to senior year we all wanted more with her. Our own little slice of Tate heaven. We tried to make her choose. In the end, she walked away from all three of us and never looked back.

“Fuck it,” I say out loud both to my thoughts of the past and waiting for them to come to the vehicle. I get out of my SUV and lock the door. I can’t sit here any longer waiting for Cace to get his shit together. I am not that guy anymore. Hell, none of us were the same. We all have tons of water under our bridges. I left being a pushover behind me years ago.

Walking through the revolving doors of the hospital entrance, I stand there, transfixed for a moment, awed by the sheer size of this place. “Damn, Cace, you’ve really done well for yourself,” I mumble to myself as I look over to the far wall and see portraits of doctors lining the walls.

Dr. Cace Morgan, Head of Neurology.

Fuck him and that panty wetting smile of his. Those glasses aren’t fooling anyone.

“Sir, can I help you?” I turn quickly to find a teenage girl with blonde hair with eyes so grey they look white. She is so pale she looks like a vampire: this kid has definitely been watching too much Twilight. She’s dressed in black clothes, and I can’t help biting back a smile at the volunteer badge pinned to her black military style jacket. From the nonchalant look on her face, I can bet mommy and daddy are making her get her community service hours in early.

“Yes, I need to get—”

“No way! I knew it was you!” Her eyes widen and I look around quickly, trying to avoid a scene. This is not what I am here for.

“You’re, Jamal! I mean, Jay, uh, Mr. Akins. It’s a pleasure. I know all about you. I hope to go to MIT too.” Her voice climbs higher with her growing excitement.

“Hi, ahh . . .” I pause and look closer at her badge. “Sophie,” I say her name, and the talking stops.

“Yes. I’m sorry. I’m so embarrassed. It’s just like such an honor.” She covers her face and acts completely opposite to the emotionless girl who approached me.

“I just need directions to the private patient floor please. I am here to collect someone special.” I smile and give her a wink for good measure, and she bends over backward to assist me. She talks about the hospital while I follow her. My thoughts are singular as I wonder how Tate will react to seeing me for the first time in eight years.

All four of us chose careers on the opposite ends of the spectrum. I went off to MIT, Cace Stanford Medical School, Sean stayed in Texas and went to Law School in Austin, and Tate went to Graduate school in NYC. I wasn’t far away from her, being in Massachusetts but after the way we left things, I guess life got in the way and I let it all fall through the cracks. I was an idiot; I should have gone to her. The last years passed, I heard she was in L.A. working in Film and Television as this well-known Costume Designer. I could not have been prouder.

Before I graduated with my Masters, I had already sold a $1 million security programming app to the US Government to help with internet security. That was just my thesis project. Let’s just say I run into fans like little Sophie all the time. My apps and software creations have allowed me to retire early. I don’t have to work if I don’t want to. I live a very lavish lifestyle but none of that shit makes me happy. I quickly part ways with Sophie, taking a quick picture with her for her Instagram page. She waves frantically at me as the doors of the elevator close and I am left to my own thoughts.