Page 95 of Deviant Need

“Yeah,” I manage to get out.

“You can’t do that to me. You need to promise me right now.” His breath comes in ragged gasps. “Are you okay? Jesus Christ, Misha.”

“I’m fine.”

“You are not fine!” His voice breaks, and he kisses my face, his tears hot and salty against my skin. He holds on so tight I can barely breathe, his hands trembling as they move up to my neck, touching where the cord bit into my skin.

“Listen to me, Mikhail. You have me, okay? If you ever feel like you can’t do this anymore, if it gets that dark again and you feel like there’s no way out, you come to me first. You don’t get to leave without giving me a chance to help you. I will always be here for you, Misha. Always. I don’t care what time it is or how bad it gets. You find me. You wake me up. You tell me. Because losing you would destroy me, and I would follow you immediately, and I need you to understand that. You’re not alone in this. You’ve never been alone. I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

My jaw clenches, and I manage a nod.

“He needs to die. We’re going to do something about this.” He grabs me harder, desperately. “I wouldn’t survive without you. Do you understand that?”

I’m unable to form words, all I do is just stare up at the ceiling.

“You promised me,” he whispers, voice cracking. “You and me forever, no matter what. Remember? We made that promise when we were kids.”

His hands frame my face, forcing me to look at him. His hazel eyes are wet and desperate and terrified.

“I need you here, alive, because you’re everything to me. You’ve always been everything to me.”

“Danya,” I rasp, barely getting the word out.

“No, listen to me.” His forehead presses against mine. “We’re going to figure this out. Together. Like we always do. But you have to stay here with me. You have to promise me you’ll stay.”

“I promise,” I whisper, the words barely making it past my destroyed throat.

He lets out a broken sob and wraps around me like he’s trying to fuse us together.

“You’re all I have too,” I manage to say, my hands fisting in his hoodie.

“Roman doesn’t get to do this to you anymore. He doesn’t get to break you,” he chokes out between sobs.

“I wouldn’t be here either if you left me,” I say, staring up at the ceiling while my hands come up to his back and hold him against me. “If you died, I’d follow you.”

He pulls his head back, his hazel eyes lock onto me.

“I fucking love you,” he says, his voice breaking. “Don’t you ever leave me. My heart belongs to you, do you understand that? I’m in love with you, Mikhail. You’ve had your hands wrapped around my heart since I was fifteen years old. Every single day since then it has been you. It’s always been you. When you walk into a room, everything else disappears. When you’re not there, I’m just waiting for you to come back. You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing before I fall asleep. You own every part of me, and I don’t want it back.”

I blink in confusion, trying to process what he just said.

“Since you were fifteen?” I ask.

“I’ve been in love with you since you kissed me on that roof,” he says, licking his lips. “I just couldn’t tell you because I was so scared of ruining everything between us. Of losing you completely if you didn’t feel the same way. I’m so fucking gone for you.”

He’s been in love with me for eight years.

Everything clicks into place. All the times he got upset when I went out partying. When I brought someone home and he’d disappear into his room and wouldn’t come out.

When he started pulling away, trying to create distance. When he looked pained every time I touched him.

That must have hurt him so much. To be tortured by being in love with me while I was completely oblivious, bringing other people into our home, talking about hookups, being physically close to him without understanding what it meant to him. I feel like the biggest asshole on the planet.

“I’m so sorry, I⁠—”

“Stop,” he says, shaking his head. “You didn’t know about it, so don’t apologize.”

Swallowing hard, I stare up at him, my throat still burning.