Page 73 of Remember Me

I’m now in a food coma, full of fries and pizza, so I head into the bedroom to change into my pjs. I need elasticated clothes for my expanding waistline tonight.

When I walk in, I notice something on the bed. It’s my Harry Potter bear, complete with his knitted sweater, the letter H on the front. But it’s what’s next to it that has my attention.

It’s a photo of me in my high school graduation gown, holding the bear.

Age 18

It’s graduation day, and I am filled with mixed emotions. I’m happy to be going on to college to study English Lit and Art, but I’m also overwhelmed. I don’t do well with change. Throw in the number of people here, and it’s a recipe for disaster. At least my surname begins with a B, so I’ll be one of the first up. Wren has the surname Masters, so she’s not near me. My comfort blanket has been ripped away.

As I head up on stage when my name is called, I look out and spot my parents, but I also see the massive crowd watching me. I can feel my skin go cold and my breathing become shallow. I just need to shake the principal's hand and get out of here. My heart feels like it’s about to pound out of my chest and I can feel the familiar sting of tears. Why am I like this?

I rush to the bathroom as soon as I’ve grabbed my diploma and try to take an inhale of air, but it’s not working. My phone buzzes from my pocket: it’s Jake. I answer on the first ring. “H-hello?” I manage to croak. I hope he can’t tell I’m crying.

“Lottie, what’s wrong? Are you ok?” He rushes the words, and for the first time, I wish he was here or that he could go and get Wren.

“I-I’m ok,” I sniff. Nice try, you're not fooling anyone.

“Lottie, what’s happened?” He sounds worried now.

“Nothing, nothing, I just got a bit panicky whilst waiting to graduate. There were so many people, Jake. I felt like the space around me was closing in. I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t leave. It was too much, and I couldn’t sit with Wren and…” I tell him how I’m hiding in the bathroom and how I wish I could just go home.

“There’s no right amount of time to stay at the ceremony, if you want to go, just tell your parents and you know they’ll take you straight home.”

“I know, but they think I should soak up every last bit of my high school experience, when in reality, all I want to do is get out of here.”

I’m starting to wheeze and panic again. Jake’s witnessed this a couple of times, albeit over the phone. I hate him hearing me like this, like I’m broken and at my most vulnerable.

“Lottie, you’re spiraling. I need you to listen to my voice and do what I say, ok?”

“O-ok.”

“Breathe in and out for me to the count of four.”

I manage to do this a few times, and I can gradually feel my breathing starting to return to normal.

“Ok, tell me three objects you can see.”

“Uhm, I can see the door, the toilet, and the window.”

“Great job. Can you tell me three things you can hear?”

“I can hear dripping from the tap, my breathing, and your voice.”

“Amazing! And finally, I want you to move three parts of your body.” I start to move my body.

“Lottie?”

Oops, I didn’t respond to him. “I’m doing it.”

“What body parts are you moving?”

“I’m moving my head, my left arm, and my right leg.”

“That’s my girl. Do you feel ready to go outside, get some water, and find your parents or Wren?”

“I-I think so. Thank you, J, for staying with me. You always know what I need and what to do.”

“It’s what I’m here for. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what. And that includes when we go to college together, ok?”