Page 23 of The Mad Marchams

His grandmother snorted. “I do hope you aren’t going to mention that abomination known as the National Trust?”

“Actually, I did look into that, but they won’t take us unless we can give them a truckload of cash to help them along.”

“Which is stupid,” Felicity pointed out. “Because if we had a load of cash, we wouldn’t be needing their help in the first place.”

“Exactly.” Colin nodded. “But there are other organizations that do offer financial help to estates such as ours.” He turned to Mabel, and she tapped on her keyboard to project the first image on the wall. “I have a list of organizations here that I intend to contact to ask for assistance.”

“It’s a start.” Felicity bit her lip. “I’m still not sure if I like the idea of going begging to strangers.”

“The alternative is shutting down the majority of the house and living in the more modern west wing.” Colin looked at his assembled relatives. “If you’re all happy to move in together, from all the different parts of the house and estate that would be marvelous.”

Seeing as he already knew there were several warring factions spread out over the estate who hardly ever spoke to each other, let alone wanted to live cheek by jowl, he was fairly certain no one wanted to congregate in the west wing.

Mabel changed the image to a spreadsheet, and Colin gestured at it. “Here are our yearly electricity, gas, oil, and water bills. As you can see, they currently exceed the budgets of some small countries.”

“Wow.” Even Freddy was aghast. “That’s… bloody awful.”

From the sudden silence in the room Colin began to hope that he was actually getting through to them.

“Exactly. We also need to replace the roof, sort out the plumbing and the sewers, and attend to the crumbling exterior.”

“That sounds expensive,” his grandmother commented and several people nodded. “But it’s not as if any of us have the necessary skills to assist you.”

“If anyone does, I’d be delighted to hear from them but there are other things you can do. Consider whether any of you can get an actual job to help out for a while.” Colin nodded to Mabel to bring up the next slide. “There are several employment opportunities listed here that are in the next village over, and if you’re prepared to get a bus into town⁠—”

“You can’t expect us to bag groceries at Tesco Colin! It’s so lowbrow,” his grandmother interrupted him. “I mean what about Marks & Spencer’s or Waitrose or Harrods?”

“I wasn’t aware that Harrods had a branch in Little Wolkingham, Grandmother, but if they do, please be my guest and apply, although my comments weren’t aimed at our pensioners.” Colin bowed, aware of the sea of discontented faces, and that his determination not to be sarcastic was already doomed to failure. “Some of you, however, aren’t at retirement age and have never worked a day in your life. If you still wish to live on the Marcham estate, I’d appreciate it if you started to pay some rent.”

There was a definite gasp and Colin braced himself for mutiny. An elderly gentleman with a decidedly military air stood up. “I have never been so insulted in my life, young Colin! Madge and I will be talking to your father!”

“I’d rather you didn’t, Cousin Roger. He really isn’t well.” Colin held his indignant relative’s gaze. “And surely there is no reason why you aren’t willing to help out the family that’s been there for you all your life?”

Roger sat down and began whispering loudly to his wife.

Freddy raised his hand. “What do you want me to do, Viz? Get a job at the butchers?”

“If you like. Or maybe you could come up with a plan to make the home farm profitable instead?”

“You’d trust me to do that?”

“I can’t see why not.” Colin shrugged. “You’re the one with the agricultural degree. It’s about bloody time you got to use it.”

For the first time, Freddy looked thoughtful. “I’ll pull something together. Do you want me to include plans for the gardens and grounds as well as the home farm?”

“That would be awesome,” Colin said, earning him a roll of the eyes from his brother.

“There’s no need for American levels of enthusiasm here, Viz. Let’s keep it down.”

“Fine, whatever, just do something helpful, okay?” Colin pointed at the door. “Why don’t you toddle off and start right now?”

“What about my cake?” Freddy complained.

“Help yourself.” Everyone stood and made an indiscreet run for the table at the back of the room. Colin raised his voice above the sudden chatter of voices. “I think we’ve made a good start here. Any questions, feel free to come and speak to me later.”

Freddy smirked. “The only trouble is you don’t seem to have any answers.”

Colin turned away before he picked up one of the cakes and planted it in his brother’s face. He stalked over to where Mabel was still sitting with her laptop. “Not sure I convinced them of anything useful,” he told her.