Page 64 of The Man I Hate

“Why?”

“It’s all that’s needed.”

“And then you wake up and whack off?” I asked, laughing. “Like clockwork?”

“Yes. When I wake up and before I go to bed,” he replied. “What’s your average?”

“Sleep, or my average period of abstinence?”

“Abstinence. We’re still on that subject,” he replied mockingly.

“My average is going to hell.” I let out a sigh. “I’ve been too distracted, lately.”

“When is the last time you masturbated?” he asked.

“Truth or a lie?”

He chuckled. “The studio audience prefers the truth.”

“Let’s see.” I twisted my mouth to the side and glanced at the time. “I’d say, roughly 43 minutes ago.”

“Is an eleven o’clock diddle pretty common?”

I laughed. “Diddle?”

“That’s what it’s called when women do it.”

“What’s it called when men do it?” I asked.

“Whacking off,” he replied as if he were answering a question on Jeopardy!

“In response to your question,” I said. “The time of day isn’t important for me. I’m partial to events. Showering, for instance. I do the dirty little diddle when I shower.”

“Before or after you wash yourself?”

“During,” I replied. “It’s like an intermission. Have you ever been to a hockey game?”

“I have.”

“Then you know the importance of the intermission. That’s the way a shower is for me. I need a little break between washing my body and washing my hair.”

“It gets pretty boring, otherwise?”

“The diddle breaks up the monotony of showering.”

“Is it an ‘every time you shower’ type of affair?” he asked.

“That’s affirmative.”

“How many times a day do you shower?”

“Normally, at least once.” I laughed at the thought of how filthy I’d become a week prior. “A week ago? Once a week, maybe.”

His face contorted. “Once a week?”

“I was going through an adjustment period. A confinement meltdown.”

“No shower, no diddle?” he asked. “Is that the rule.”