Page 43 of Sex On A Plate

CHICKEN PARMESAN

DIFFICULTY: If you’re Italian, not at all. If you’re not, it’s about as tough as making a cup of coffee

TIME: 1 hour and 10 minutes, most of which you’ll be free

What you’ll need from the cupboard: A 13x9 casserole dish, a large skillet, a spatula, a pair of tongs, a small mixing bowl, 4 plates, a cutting board, and rolling pin.

What you’ll need from the pantry: Salt. Pepper. Basil. Between 2-4 large boneless chicken breasts, depending on how many you’re feeding. A cup of panko breadcrumbs. Half a cup of flour. Olive oil. RAO’S Marinara. 8 oz. shredded Mozzarella. A cup of grated Parmesan. Sliced Provolone cheese (not a must, but if you have it, great). 2 Eggs. Saran Wrap.

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This is one of those things that I fucked with and fucked with to try and get it right. One of my favorite restaurant foods, but at home, it was shit.

Now, at 55 years old, I’m happy with the recipe. I figured it out long before the internet was available (by finally asking an Italian cook).

It’s sad that it took so long, but it was worth it.

Slice your breasts in half through the largest part of the chicken (with the breast placed flat on the countertop, slice from left to right).

This will yield 2 pieces of chicken, roughly equal in size. If your breasts aren’t HUGE, skip this step.

Lay the section of breast on the cutting board. Cover with Saran Wrap. Using the rolling pin, beat the absolute fuck out of the chicken, making certain the rolling pin is flat when it comes into contact with the meat (imagine the meat is that one ex of yours that was a shit hat).

Beat it until it’s roughly 1-1/2 times the size it started out as, or 1/2" thick all over. Set the flattened breast onto one of the clean plates.

Repeat until you’ve beaten them all into this shape.

Beat the two eggs in the mixing bowl. With a fork, not the rolling pin.

Pour a layer of Panko crumbs onto a plate. Mix in 1/2 a cup of parmesan cheese.

Pour a layer of flour onto a plate (if you have a flour sifter, forget this step).

Either sift flour onto each side of the breast or lay each side in the flour.

Dip breast into the beaten eggs.

Lay each side of the breast flat onto the crumbs. Press the meat down making sure entire breast is covered thoroughly.

When you’re done, set the crumb covered breasts on the only plate that’s clean, making sure not to touch the edges of the plate with your nasty hands.

Wash your hands.

Heat 1/2” of olive oil in the skillet over medium high heat. If you don’t have olive oil, use what you have.

Preheat oven to 450.

Cook the chicken breasts in oil, flipping once, for 4 minutes. That’s 2 minutes a side for the math challenged.

Place the chicken breasts in the casserole dish from left to right. By now you know how a casserole dish is positioned, so I won’t go there.

If you have the provolone, bend the slices in half and break them into 2 pieces. Lay the 2 pieces onto the top of each breast. If you don’t have them, that’s fine.

Cover each breast with about 3 tablespoons of RAO’S. Don’t go nuts, there’s more for later if you like it that way.

Sprinkle each breast with mozzarella (on top of the sauce). Sprinkle with a little parmesan. Sprinkle with a little basil.

Bake at 450 for 20 minutes.

Plate and enjoy.

These go well with spaghetti, sauce, and the meatballs listed earlier in this section. Cooked this way, these are crispy, crunchy, and perfect. Depending on each person’s personal desire, they might want a little more sauce with them.

The spaghetti with sauce gives that option.

No matter how you eat them, you’ll agree. They’re great.

Enjoy.