Page 83 of The Fed Sex Man

“Sorry,” I said. “We were just arguing about a TV show.”

“As a matter of fact—” Shawn leaned against the display case. “I have a question.”

She grinned her pre-programmed department store sales clerk smile. “I’ll do my best to answer it.”

Shawn looked her up and down and then held her curious gaze. “I’m asking for a friend.”

Her smile turned genuine. “Okay.”

“You meet this guy, and instantly you feel like your personalities are magnetic. On the first date, you say ‘what the hell’, and you decide to, well, give him a blowjob…”

He leaned closer. Naturally, she did the same. With their noses mere inches apart, he continued.

“So, he undoes his belt, reaches into his boxers, and pulls out his penis. It’s huge. As big around as your wrist and ten inches long,” he whispered. “On that night, all you do is suck him off. On the next night, he bends you over the arm of his couch. When you’re together, all you want to do is screw. You screw in the bookstore, in her car, in his FedEx delivery truck, in the shower. Each time you fuck, you have so many orgasms you damned near go blind. Then, things get romantic between the two of you. You decide it’s much more than sex. It’s nothing short of heaven. Hell, you’re happier than Daryl Dixon at a crossbow convention.”

Shawn leaned away from the display case.

She remained bent over, revealing enough overly-tanned cleavage to wage a war.

“So, one night, you two go out for dinner,” Shawn continued. “After they serve the wine, but before they bring your first course, he reaches under the table and pulls out a box. He hands it to you. What do you hope it is?”

Enthralled by his story of the big-dicked FedEx man, she made a ‘V’ with her hands and placed her chin against her open palms. “Is it a small box?”

Shawn glanced at her tits. “You pick the size.”

Leaving her boobs on display for Shawn to ogle, she looked away for a moment while contemplating her answer. When her focus returned, she stood. “Is it the first gift he’s given me? Or is this one of many?”

“The first.”

She grinned. “Flowers. I want it to be a big box of flowers.”

Shawn gave me a dismissive wave of his hand. “Told you.”

She shifted her eyes from him to me, and then looked me over. “You’re the friend?”

“Excuse me?”

She twirled her hair with her index finger while continuing her inspection of me. “You’re the FedEx driver?”

At any other point in time in my life, I would have seen her expressed interest as an invitation. At that moment, I saw it as irritating and inappropriate.

“Yeah, I’m the guy that’s in a relationship.” I pointed at Shawn. “He’s single.”

She gave me the once-over before looking at Shawn. “So, what’s with the question?”

“He wanted to buy her a bracelet,” Shawn said. “I told him it’d send the wrong message.”

“Bracelets are nice,” she said, twisting her mouth to the side as she spoke. “But, she’d probably like flowers more. A bracelet is a strange gift. It’s what you give someone you haven’t had sex with. It’s a pre-sex gift. One that leads to sex. You know, it lets her know you’re interested. After sex, bracelets are weird.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. I may have been wrong but being chastised by Shawn and the tanning booth queen wasn’t easy to accept.

I gave her a look. “Bracelets are weird?”

She nodded like a child who’d been offered a second serving of ice cream. “Uh huh.”

“Let me get this straight,” Shawn said. “Bracelets are a pre-sex gift? A gesture to let the woman know you want to fuck?”

She looked at him and scrunched her nose. “Kind of. Yeah.”