Page 44 of The Fed Sex Man

I sipped my coffee, and then gave her a confused look. “If he’s hung like that, how’d that work out? The anal sex?”

“It took a lot of time and a tube of lube. Why do you think I look like haggard shit? I haven’t slept yet. We just stopped a few minutes ago.”

“When did you start?”

“We dipped out right after you left. I gave him a handy in the car, just to let him know I meant business. We started boning the minute we got to his house.”

“At seven o’clock?” I gasped.

“Yeah.”

I looked at my watch. It was just past seven. “You guys went at it for twelve hours?”

“We stopped twice,” she replied. “Once to eat, and once to mop up the blood.”

Blood during sex is never good. My eyes shot wide. “Blood?”

“Yeah. I accidentally punched him in the nose while we were going at it reverse cowgirl style.”

It seemed like an impossibility. “How in the heck did that happen?”

She let out a long sigh and rolled her eyes. “You’ve heard the phrase ‘had your brains fucked out’, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, if the guy’s hung, reverse cowgirl will turn whatever brain you have to nothing but mush. It’s the best sex ever, but it’ll make you stupid, that’s for sure.”

“That’s good to know,” I said. “But even with cooked squash for brains, you were smart enough to face his feet, right?”

“I was, but it felt like I was being impaled by a freaking lamppost. My arms were flying around like a rodeo cowboy in the PRCA finals. One of my errant fists hit him in the schnoz. We ended the night with cotton balls in his nose and bacon on our breath.”

“You stopped to make bacon?”

“Bacon’s awesome.”

“It’s not as good as sex.”

“No, but it’s a close second.” She swirled her coffee and then stood. “We were both starving. He’d already fucked me twice by that time. Bacon sounded good. It was all he had. Bacon, Gatorade, and eggs. After that talk we had the other day, eggs kind of creep me out.”

I wasn’t a jealous person, but I grew angry that she got an all-night romp with Shawn while I settled for a three-minute stint on the couch with Tyson.

“What?” she asked.

I must have been wearing my disappointment like a crown.

“He poked his dick down your throat again and called it good, didn’t he?” she asked.

I shook my head. “No. We had sex.”

The words rolled off my tongue dripping with disappointment. I was completely satisfied with what happened until I learned of Jenny getting her anus tongued. I wanted wild, uninhibited, bacon-fueled tongue-in-the-butt reverse cowgirl sex.

Jenny knew I wasn’t a promiscuous woman, but she had no idea my dry spell had spanned for nearly a decade. I decided to proceed cautiously.

“We had a few issues with penetration,” I admitted. “I guess he’s either way too big or I’m way too tight.”

“I can shove my fist in my twat,” she said with a laugh. “Our biggest problem was trying to get that blood cleaned up.”

“Wait? What?” I choked on my coffee. “Your fist?”