Page 40 of Baker

She wiped what may have been a tear. “First and last.”

“Dear God, girl. You need to get some dick. Not a wiener, either.”

“I do. It’s not that easy, though.” She stared blankly at the rim of her glass for a moment and then looked up. “That guy that comes to your work. With the tattoos. His is bigger than a hot dog?”

I lifted my arm and looked at my wrist. After twisting it back and forth a few times, I slapped my forearm against the table. It hit the wooden surface with a thud! “It’s about the size of my wrist.”

She looked at my arm and then at me. Her eyes opened wide. “How does that work?”

I grinned. “Very well, actually.”

She tilted her head toward my arm. “It’s seriously that big?”

“Uh huh.”

Slowly, her eyes widened. “He really fits something that big in you?”

“Every inch of it.” I closed my eyes. “Until his balls are against my butt crack.” I opened them. “It makes me come so hard my ears ring.”

She let out a heavy sigh. “God. What I wouldn’t give to have an orgasm like that.”

I looked away and shook my head.

“What?”

“You’re pretty and you’ve got huge boobs. If you quit wearing plaid every day, you could get almost anyone to fuck you. Get someone to watch the demons and go out for a night. Dress inappropriately, put on some makeup and do your hair, and I guarantee you someone would hit on you.”

“They’re not demons, they’re my babies.”

“They’re evil spirits hidden inside children’s bodies. Did you see that movie? The one with that little girl that gets sucked into the TV?”

“They love you, Andy. I can’t believe you’d--”

“If they love me, why don’t they act like it? Last night, Helen was running around the house saying, Andy, Andy, your hair’s like cotton candy.”

“What do you expect?”

“I expect to be left alone. I was watching a movie.”

“You died it pink.” Her eyebrows raised. “Kids are perceptive.”

“It’s strawberry blonde. Maybe she’s colorblind.”

“She’s not colorblind. It’s kind of pink. She’s gifted, by the way.”

I coughed out a laugh. She was gifted in the art of being annoying.

“What?” She gave me a look. “She is.”

“The other one was out on the porch with a can of hairspray and that spark thingy for the barbeque grill. He was using them as a flamethrower to kill bugs.”

“That doesn’t make him evil.”

“Where does an eight-year-old even learn such shit?”

“His dad used to do it all the time.”

“The same guy that had a hot dog dick.” I chuckled. “Explains a lot.”