Page 45 of Baby Girl

“But, subconsciously, and from probably a practical standpoint, the child realizes that the father is the more able – let’s say the more physically able of the two, so he competes for the sexual possession of the mother, all the while fearing the father. Now, to make clear, all of this is what naturally happens to a child as he or she grows up,” I paused and took a breath.

Kelli had her fists clenched, and her forearms flat on the table, leaning toward me, listening intently. I continued.

“That sexual desire to possess their mother is what allows all ‘normal’ as you say, kids to grow up - again I am talking of boys, wanting to have a relationship with a woman. Alterations to this stage of growth - the elimination of one or the other of the parents - be it by divorce, death, or lack of existence, cause problems in what is “natural’ for a child to experience. This natural resolve for the sexual competition for the mother or father – with the opposite sex parent of the child - is of ultimate importance for the psychosexual development of a child. If it goes unresolved, it may result in a woman who is submissive, or a man who is dominant.”

“You, for instance, at a young age, realized the same things that I have described. Consciously, and subconsciously. The lack of a mother in your life more than likely allowed you, or well…caused you to subconsciously look at your father in admiration. You grew up wanting to sexually attach yourself to a man that reminded you of your father. Older. Protective. Able,” I took a slow breath, exhaled, and reached out with both hands, slowly, and held Kelli’s fists.

She opened her hands and held mine in hers.

“You’ve heard the expression, ‘we play the cards we are dealt’ before?” I asked.

She nodded.

“Does that make sense to you?”

She nodded again.

“Well, baby; we’re normal. Considering all things, were on the upper threshold of normal,” I stopped and chuckled.

“There’s nothing wrong with us. The atmosphere we were raised in, our parents, their involvement, or lack thereof, it’s what causes us to later be the people that we are. Realizing who we are, embracing it, and allowing ourselves to be who we are naturally is healthy. Some people fight their entire life to try to be someone or something they are not. The result is someone that lives an extremely difficult, unhappy life,” I took another drink of my coffee.

“When I talk about this, it’s kind of upsetting. Every time someone asks me. I’ve talked about this, not to this degree, but about it, several times. People don’t understand - parents, primarily - about the importance of being involved in the upbringing of their children. They’re too quick to give up, divorce, cheat, allow their children to see them with their respective mistress, whatever it may be…and these actions by the parents cause a change in the development of their children. The children can’t do anything about it. Parents always say, ‘Oh, the kids are young, they won’t understand’. Well, three years old is the beginning of the phallic stage of psychosexual development. We start developing, psychologically, when we take our first breath. The oral stage is from birth to about two years.” As I spoke, I began to get angry, so I stopped.

“Well, we can’t change the fact that your mother and my father, for all practical purposes, were absent since birth. So, we are who we are,” I said, and exhausted what little air was in my lungs.

“Make sense?” I asked.

“Actually, it does, now that you’re done. I have more questions, though,” she said, still holding my hands.

“Okay, baby, what are they?” I said, softly.

“What are your thoughts about love, in general? Do you think love is real? Do you think it exists, or can exist in all of us?” she asked, squeezing my hands and looking directly into my eyes as she did.

I was both pleased and shocked that she asked this question. I intended to answer it with what I believed to be the correct answer, but it may not be what she expected to hear. Although my answer was already formed, I wondered what she expected to hear, and what she wanted to hear.

“The effect that I have on you causes you to have affection for me,” I placed emphasis on the ‘e’ and the ‘a’ in the two words.

“The affection that you have is emotional. In my presence, you feel good. You feel influenced by my presence. Your heart, when you’re around me, no longer feels heavy. You realize that there is a difference in being alone and being together based on how you feel. In my absence, you feel a want or a desire to have me near you, because my presence allows you to relive those feelings that you do not have in my absence. The void of those feelings, the good ones, to most people is described as pain. When I am gone, you feel pain. Being around me is some affirmation that I exist; that those feelings that you believed you had, the last time I was in your presence, but now are absent, exist as well,” I paused for a moment, and looked up at Espresso A Go-Go’s disco ball, which hung from the ceiling.

A thousand broken pieces of mirror formed the ball. Little broken pieces of a reflection of what was below the ball looked back at me. I studied the ball as it rotated slowly, the reflections changing as it rotated – every piece of mirrored glass a little different from the one beside it.

“We are all different people. We all need different things to be pleased. I believe, and I may be wrong, that we are, as your little book said, broken. We should find someone that is what we need, someone that is broken in the same fashion, and see if affection develops or exists. If and when it does, most people describe it as love,” I said, still looking at the bottom of the ball.

“Love takes determination to develop,” I paused.

“Love requires courage, persistence, and maintenance. Love just doesn’t lie there with us as we live our lives, and engulf us, providing us with an assurance that it exists.”

“Love is developed, and it is never perfect. We, as people, are flawed. Therefore, love is flawed. Most people live their lives trying to find the perfect person to provide them what they believe to be the perfect love. In my opinion, people should find someone that provides them with affection, someone that makes them feel, then develop and maintain the perfect love. That is the closest thing to real love that could ever possibly exist,” I took a sip of coffee, and continued to speak.

Kelli was looking intently into my eyes, and for this entire morning seemed content with listening to what I had to say. I felt that she had asked questions that were important to her, and that she felt she needed answers to. She was hearing what I had to say, and offering little to the conversation, so I continued to express my beliefs.

“We settle in a relationship for a person that provides us with comfort. When someone makes us comfortable, we tell ourselves that it is love, and it isn’t. Love can, for most people, be found around every corner they turn in life. This isn’t love, it is settling. I refuse, as should all people, to settle,” I paused and thought. I looked back up at the disco ball.

“People believe that they fall in love, and they begin a relationship, which turns to marriage. Eventually, the relationship falters, stumbles, and they tell themselves they’re out of love. Like it has run out. There is no more. The tank is empty. If that relationship were provided with maintenance, if it were provided with the attention that it needed, affection would redevelop, and with that affection the effect of love would, without a doubt, follow.”

Warren placed two more cups of coffee on the table beside us, and quietly walked back behind the counter. I looked around the coffee shop, and noticed that it was still empty. Afternoon s here had a lot of foot traffic in and out, but not many people sat here and drank coffee. It wasn’t infrequent that we would be the only people actually in the store when we were here in an afternoon. I looked at Warren and smiled. He smiled and shook his head slowly side-to-side as if it were no big deal.

“Other people, for some reason, settle for someone that was substandard to their requirements for a lover. These relationships, from the beginning, are destined to fail. Inevitably, when a codependent woman is involved, she tells herself that she will never find another man to want her, to take care of her, or to love her. She ends up spending a life of agony in a relationship with a man that mentally, emotionally, and possibly physically abuses her. The fact of the matter is that she could easily find someone to love her, but for the reasons we talked about before, her psychosexual development in a non-typical family setting, has left her with no self-esteem. This lack of self-esteem tells her she can’t do any better.” I took a drink of my new coffee.