Page 6 of Undefeated

“Why you suppose he walks like that?” the manager asked as he watched the boxer walk away.

“Because he can,” the trainer responded.

KACE. Trying to figure a way to get out of a relationship and not feel like a complete failure is difficult. Most people will never understand why I have stayed in the relationship with Josh as long as I have. As much as I hate the way that he has treated me, I cannot imagine giving up on us - giving up on our relationship.

I don’t think I know how to be alone.

When I think of it, my head gets all jumbled up and I get scared. Sometimes when I think of leaving him I shake. As soon as I start shaking, I change my mind. I often wish someone would decide for me.

Each time that he has beaten me, I deserved it. I remember the time when I was eighteen, right after high school. Josh was twenty-one. He had to work overtime that day, and he came home exhausted from a long day at work. He asked me about dinner, and I back talked him. He just lost his temper. He never would have hit me if I hadn’t talked back. It was a really long day for him.

Every time he has hit me, he later reminded me it never would have happened if I hadn’t deserved it. He always told me he wished he didn’t have to do it. He said if I would just learn my lesson and learn to respect him, he wouldn’t have to hit me. Sometimes I wish I would learn my lesson, and other times I wish I was with someone else - someone that didn’t have to hit me.

Josh and I met when I was sixteen. I have never been with anyone else. I doubt, from what he says, that anyone else would ever want me. I have no idea what it’s like to have another man or even talk to one for that matter. Josh doesn’t let me talk to other men, and he monitors my text messages and phone calls. He doesn’t allow me to have Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, or Twitter. He takes my cell phone and goes through all of the files in it whenever he wants to, checking for pictures. He said it teaches me to be honest and loyal. I suppose he’s right, but it still bothers me.

When I am at work, I think about what it would be like to have a man treat me like the men in the books I read. I doubt that those men really actually exist. If they do, I’d sure like to have a man like that. One that cherished me and told me I was beautiful. Maybe he would hold my hand and take me to a movie. It would be nice to feel wanted. Josh had not had sex with me for several years and I felt ugly because of it. A woman needs to feel wanted. Even if she doesn’t feel loved, she needs to feel as if someone wants or desires her.

Because Josh didn’t make me feel wanted or desired at all, and had not for years, I often daydreamed about other men. I would never cheat on Josh, and even though he wasn’t nice to me, I wanted him to just want me. I wished that he desired something that I had to offer him. That desire, however, never comes. I don’t daydream about a book boyfriend saving me. I’m not like those girls in the books – not like that.

I don’t need to be saved.

I choose to be in this relationship, because I want this to work, and I do not want to give up on us. I don’t want to fail. I only want to be loved.

I’m a strong woman, and my persistence in this relationship stands as proof of my strength.

For the last few years I have been thinking about my book boyfriends more frequently. I often daydream about them and what it would be like to actually be with them – to have what it is that’s depicted in the books. To have the hardship, the recovery, and the relationship that I often read about. It really started when Josh held his knife to my throat and told me I was a dumb bitch. We had been arguing more than normal because he quit making love to me. The first time I asked why, he slapped me and said it was because he wasn’t attracted to me any longer. I was ugly inside and out. He didn’t slap me once when he slapped me. He slapped me until he was tired of slapping me, or until I learned my lesson.

The second time I asked about wanting him to make love to me, he choked me and held me against the wall by my throat. I blacked out and woke up on the floor.

The third time I asked, he held his knife to my throat and told me to never ask again. Josh has a temper, and I don’t want to learn any kind of lesson that has to do with a knife. I just want him to love me the way I love him.

I try, and I try, and I try, but I can’t seem to ever make the right decisions with Josh. I always make bad decisions or make a mistake and make him mad. I wish just once that he would be happy with me, and maybe tell me he liked what I cooked him for dinner. I often wish he would just tell me he liked how I looked or notice when I got my hair cut or colored. The people I work with notice, but Josh never does.

I try so hard.

He used to tell me those things, but not anymore.

Not since he held his knife to my throat.

I was excited all week for tonight to get here. Josh told me if I didn’t do anything stupid all week, he would rent a movie on Friday and we would try to watch it together. I hoped that tonight would be the night that things turn around. If we could get along for just one night, I would hold on to those memories for ever.

As I sat in the truck and read, Josh got out and walked toward the Red Box to get the movies.

I sat quietly and read quickly as Josh looked through the selection of movies that were available to rent. Reading was my form of escaping. I could escape everything by reading. It was easy for me to dream of being the character in the books that I read. A good book could make me laugh, cry, or get so aroused that I had to touch myself. Without reading, I would go crazy - completely crazy. My Kindle had become my savior.

“They ain’t got Black Hawk Down or Pulp Fiction,” he said over his shoulder as he stood in front of the Red Box, staring at the screen.

We haven’t watched too many movies together over the ten years we’ve been together, but we’ve seen those two movies no less than a dozen times a piece. I like doing anything with Josh, but sometimes I wish he would think about something that would make me happy. I’d like to watch The Notebook or something like that. Maybe Safehaven.

“Well, fuck. They ain’t got nothin’ to watch at this shit-hole. Fuckin’ pisses me off. Maybe we should just hit the liquor store and get a thirty pack and hang out at the house,” he said as he got into the truck.

I slipped the Kindle into my purse.

My heart sank as he started the truck.

Josh drank a lot. When he drank, it made me shake. When he drank, he was always mean. He always said he deserved to drink; because I drove him crazy, or he had a tough day at work. I tried to hide from him when he drank, but hiding tonight would be impossible to do.

“Why you got that shitty look on your face?” he muttered as he shoved his lip full of tobacco.