Page 74 of Right Up His Alley

But that’s not fair anymore. We aren’t together. Ezra doesn’t get to sit in my head like that. He doesn’t get an opinion.

“Baby, you look hungry. Go get something,” my mom’s voice interrupts my thoughts.

“I’m good.”

She clears her throat. “Just like you were worried about me earlier, I’m starting to worry about you with food.”

“I know.” I look down. “I didn’t even realize it until Ezra said something about it.”

“I’m glad you have him.”

I don’t say anything, even though all I want to say is but I don’t have him. Not anymore.

“Go get a pizza. We’ll split it.” She winks at me.

“I’m done for the day anyway.” I hoist my bag over my shoulder as Mrs. Jiménez comes back over.

I tell her, “I’m going to head out, Mrs. J. I only paid fifty dollars earlier, but I think I played more games than that. How much do I owe you?”

She waves her hand. “It’s been paid. Your mom just gave a very healthy donation, which covers your games today and for the rest of the year. As long as you keep coming back?”

I glance at Mom. Her eyes meet mine, warm and a little tipsy, and she smiles. I mouth, thank you.

She nods, her smile faltering just slightly, and my chest twists again. I want to be grateful. I am grateful. But I wish Ezra could be here. He should be leaning against the snack bar, grinning like an idiot, thinking about what more we could do to spruce up the place with my mom’s generosity.

“You’ve always loved this place,” she says, like she’s reading my mind. “It’s the least your father and I could do for Spare Time.”

I laugh once, too sharp. “So, Dad knows you gave a donation?”

She doesn’t flinch. “Yes, of course he does. We’ve always seen your dedication to something you love. No matter what you think, your father loves you, Truett. He just doesn’t know how to show it.”

She looks at Mrs. Jiménez, then back at me. “I was telling Mrs. Jiménez that you remind me a lot of him, actually. You both work hard and are extremely dedicated. He will come around to whatever decision you make about your future in bowling. He’s definitely lost his way with pushing you to be the best, but he’ll figure it out. You’ve got to trust that.”

I stare down at the grip tape I unraveled from my wrist, turning it in my hands like I can smooth away the stickiness reminiscent of what’s building in my chest. “Well,” I say slowly, “I want to always show someone how I care for them. I don’t want to be like my dad.”

“Then make sure you fight for him.”

It’s all she says, and I know she’s not talking about my father anymore.

I sit with it, letting it settle. And then something shifts.

The thought of Ezra whirls back toward me like a ball return. The last words I said before I left him echo in my head. Goodbye, Ezra… I…

I wasn’t able to finish it. I couldn’t. But now I realize what I wanted to say.

Goodbye, Ezra. I love the man you made me.

And I do. I am that man now. Or at least, I want to be. The one who stays when things get hard. The one who encourages. The one who wants to have fun. The one who wants what’s best for those he loves and shows up for them when they share their wishes and dreams. The one who wants to stay and make a life—a life with Ezra.

I glance back at the now darkened lane I occupied all day. The neatly reset pins and the balls repositioned on the lift. It was like I’d used nothing, like my attempts at coping vanished with the light over the lane.

I need to make a choice. Be the man I want to be for Ezra, or the one I thought everyone else expected me to be. And maybe those two people don’t have to be so different.

It’s easy to fall back into a familiar pattern. It takes no thought. Wake up. Go to the alley. Work. Go home. Back to sleep and redo it all over day after day. Your body is basically on autopilot, going through the mundane motions you’ve grown accustomed to for so long. But no one tells you how difficult it is to let go of the happiness you thought you found. To give everything up just so you can do your duty to your family.

Some days it feels like it will fucking kill me. Especially when I remember the hurt and pain I caused the man I was helplessly falling in love with.

When I saw him standing there in the alley, acting as if nothing had happened, I wanted to collapse right there in the gutter. But maybe that was just my assumption. If he wasn’t acting like nothing bad happened between us, I wouldn’t have been able to tell. I looked away too quickly and walked off too fast for me to truly know, even though every part of me wanted to do the opposite. I wasn’t prepared to see him so soon and face the reality I gave up on my dreams just to save the alley, which is why I had to escape.