Page 59 of The Circle

Does anything exist if you choose not to believe in it? Can you craft reality? Can you will your future into being?

Does it make a difference?

Not really.

The only thing real is now.

“I dunno. Why?” I finally respond.

“Because you were making all kinds of noises.”

“Really?” I ask. She nods. Making noises without realizing I’m doing it seems to be a new thing and is not the kind of thing I want to be known for. “Yeah, I dunno,” I repeat.

She smiles again, rubs my chest, and then says, “You worried?”

“About what?”

“Whatever’s coming next.”

I sit up, take her hands in mine, kiss her fingertips and tell her the truth. “Nope.”

“Really?” she asks. I shake my head. “Not even a little bit?” I shake it again. “Why?”

“Because whatever is coming next isn’t here now, and worrying about what it might be or not be won’t change what it is when the time comes, so it feels like a shit ton of wasted energy.”

She nods. She knows, but it never hurts to be reminded.

“I mean… look around. This is where we are now. I guess I’m just trying to get better about being here and not… wherever else. Because shit changes fast, and trying to stay ahead of it or stay in the moment that’s just behind doesn’t really feel like it does a ton of good. Or maybe I just have a death wish. Could go either way, I suppose.”

She laughs again. Holy shit, I love her laugh. It’s so rare that it comes out that it takes me by surprise when I hear it, but I could get used to hearing it every day. I think, if I were to spend time worrying about the future, it would be entirely so I could cultivate a world in which that laugh had a chance and a desire to let itself out way, way more often.

And then, suddenly, she stops laughing and her expression changes. Her eyes get big and she lays her hand on her chest.

What the fuck is happening right now?

“Christine?” I say, pulling her arms toward me and getting in her face. “What’s going on? What’s happening? Are you okay? Talk to me.”

She doesn’t talk to me. She just pulls herself free, jumps up, and runs back into the fancy, marble bathroom, barely making it before I hear her start throwing up.

What the fuckin’ fuck?

I leap up after her and dart to stand in the open bathroom doorway, dick swinging with the swaying of the train.

She’s knelt down over the toilet bowl, letting it all out. Watching her back arch and heave under the white robe is the kind of thing I normally like, but not like this. Only when it’s the result of her pussy being engorged by my mouth or—to maybe just a slightly lesser degree—Alec’s mouth, but this… this is fucked up.

I kneel down beside her and put one hand on her back, holding her now mostly dry hair out of her face with the other. She seems like she’s nearing the end of whatever this is, because she’s starting to do that shallow, exhausted, panting thing like you do after you’ve just run a sprint. Or finished fucking. Or puked your guts out. Regardless, it seems like she’s maybe—

Nope.

She pukes again, although this one is more of a dry heave. Like her body has expelled whatever was wanting to come out, but hasn’t realized it yet.

Then, finally, after another couple of gagging grunts, she spits the remaining saliva out into the bowl, wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and the sleeve of the—probably trillion-dollar—robe, and sits back against the bathroom wall. Spent.

“Jesus Christ, are you all right?” I repeat. It’s kind of rhetorical, as she’s clearly not.

She breathes heavily for a second as I stand and turn on the sink. I step out into the… drawing room? I guess. Whatever it is, there are a couple of crystal chalice things that have a faint green hue to them, so I grab one of those motherfuckers, step back into the bathroom, fill it with water and hand it to her. She sips. Carefully. For a moment it looks like she might throw up again, but then her breathing slows and everything seems to settle.

Sitting back down on the floor, I realize it’s heated, because I don’t get a jolt when my naked ass, balls, and tip of my cock hit the surface. I have no idea who arranged for us to be all alone on this thing, but if their intention is ultimately to kill us, they’re doing it in the nicest way possible.