Page 47 of The Circle

“Yeah,” I begin. “It was during the time that Lars and I were…” I stop. Because there’s no point in saying it out loud. Everyone knows the period of time I’m referring to.

“Yeah, okay,” Danny says, saving the moment from having to linger on longer than anyone would prefer, “so you and Lars were in Vienna having a meeting with someone about a diamond. Is that what we’ve got?”

“I… think so?” I grind out, working it through in my brain.

“So,” Alec starts, “so let’s just postulate some theories based on this new information.”

“Dude,” Danny says, “don’t start fuckin’ postulating.”

“Why not?” Alec asks.

“Because ‘postulating’ is just a fancy word for ‘guessing.’ And guessing isn’t helpful. It’s like trying to find the source of a gas leak by lighting a match. Until Christine can remember some more specifics or until we get another call with actual information, I’d just as soon not get all scattershot and accidentally shoot ourselves in the dick.”

I look at Alec, who has a small smirk on his lips. “That was a grand basket of metaphor you just dumped out, Danny. Well done.”

“Shut up,” Danny says.

There’s a beat. None of this is funny and yet these two can’t help but be charming. It’s one of their stupid superpowers.

Then, after a moment, Alec asks, “What made you come after me?”

He isn’t looking at us when he says it. He’s staring out the window. Like he’s embarrassed in some way. I wait a second to see if Danny has any interest in offering a response. When he doesn’t answer, I speak up.

“Because we love you.”

I can feel the weight of it when it comes out of my mouth. There’s something profound about saying something so simple. So obvious.

Even after all we’ve been through and all we still have to go through, I have never stopped loving either of them for even a second. Even when I hated Alec, I still loved him. Even when Danny was gone, I loved him every day.

I really do. Love them. Both of these two. I have loved Danny longer and he will always be my first true love, and he knows that. So does Alec. But Alec, Christine, and Danny… that is my truest love. When I am my truest self.

It’s not just that they’re the two most strong-willed people I’ve ever met. It’s not just that they’re the two most physically beautiful men I’ve ever met (although that’s a solid bonus). It’s that there’s something inexpressible and magical about us when we’re all together. A weird feeling of invincibility. Which, of course, is an illusion. No one is invincible. But we come awfully damn close. The three of us. The triangle.

And that’s the simple reason Danny and I couldn’t let Alec go off on his own to do this thing today. Whatever sudden attack of guilt or conscience Alec might now be feeling is fine for him, but after all we’ve been through, there was no way we would let him be taken from us. I’m not saying we’ll be together happily ever after until the day we all simultaneously drop dead at the exact same time, but if anyone or anything wants to rip one of us away again, they’ll have to fight their way through a wall of fury that looks exactly like the other two.

But I don’t need to say all that. Not now.

Just telling Alec, Because we love you, is enough.

Although I do add, “Also, dude, we came and rescued you from, like, halfway around the world. You think we weren’t gonna drive ten miles to make sure you were gonna be okay?” I nudge him and he chuffs out a laugh before grabbing at the wound I inadvertently just shoved. “Sorry,” I apologize.

Another beat. Another filled moment. Another quiet break in the action that is the story of Alec, Christine, and Danny. These are the ones I treasure. These are the ones I’ll remember. If I’m lucky enough to live to what people call “old age” and I’m sitting in a rocking chair somewhere reflecting back on all the shit we did in our lives, I don’t think what I’ll remember most will be the shootouts or the heists or the wild adventures.

I think it’ll be these times. These still, placid occasions when we were all together. And despite whatever might have been going on around us at the time, we just… were. That’s what I’ll remember most.

Maybe the fucking. I may also remember the fucking.

Speaking of remembering… I need to try to remember what I can about what’s waiting in store for us if and when we get another phone call with whatever instructions we receive. I need to do what I can to help us be prepared.

Because while it’s not clear and I can’t even be certain if my memories are real, mine, or just some fictional patchwork of things that made their way into my thoughts and are presenting themselves as my own history…

I do have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me, whatever is waiting to jump out at us from around the coming corners…

It’s going to be fucking bad.