Page 96 of Lovely Darkness

Carter’s voice is still in my head.

But he’s not real. None of those words are real. They are all my words.

Nate and I have talked about this. He knows. After Maggie shot Donovan I knew things were seriously fucked up with me. And I also knew that I would never get to be her mother if I didn’t face my demons.

So Nate and I set out to find the truth. And the voices in my head were one of the first things I confessed to. We were on my swing, just lying together in the late-afternoon heat when all my lies and secrets started spillin’ out of my mouth.

I think Nathan turned into someone else that day. He saw me. The real me. And he didn’t get up and walk away. He didn’t even sigh, or anything. He gently pushed a piece of hair away from my eyes and he said, “I left you. Two times. And both times you needed me. So this time, Indie Anna Accorsi, I will be sticking around.”

Usually when Carter or Donovan appear inside my head, I tell Nathan about it. Sometimes, if he’s there in the moment with me, I even recite the words out loud for him.

He records it. He records everything just like Donovan used to when I was little. He told me, “I’m recording everything because if I had just done this in the first place we’d have it all on record.”

He was talking about the times I came home from the jobs and he had to take my hand and lead me into the meadow. All the times he had to weave a new life for me. Even as I was spillin’ secrets about killing people, or people trying to kill me, or how it felt to be the snake girl in the Garden of Eden.

He didn’t know about Donovan back then.

I’m still not even sure that’s all real.

I’m really not sure anything is real.

But I’m here, in this nest of a house where Nathan saw a girl who looked just like me and three little girls who looked just like Maggie, and I have to be present.

I have to.

This is too important.

I can feel the dream. It’s always there. The hazy fog and the shimmery curtain. But sometimes that fog is so thick and that curtain so opaque, I can’t see past it. That’s when I lose time. That’s when I black out.

But other times, like right now, it’s see-through.

That means I’m still in control.

So I push Donovan’s voice away, tuck him into a corner in that dark place called my mind, and I pay attention.

Wendy is in front of me. Following Nick as Nate leads us through the empty house.

But I grab her arm when we get to a hallway and when she turns to see what I’m doing, I place a fingertip on her lips.

Shhhhhhhhhhh.

She says nothing. Just carefully watches me with her blue-specked eyes.

I crook a finger at her, beckoning her to follow. Then I let go of her arm and start walking.

I can’t force her to follow me.

I take about ten steps down another hallway before I look over my shoulder.

She’s right behind me. She even gives me a nod.

This is a good sign.

I can’t tell her the truth. That’s not how truth works.

But I can show her.

And that’s what I’m gonna do right now.