Page 22 of Lovely Darkness

Which I have to admit I sorta like.

“Indie and I used to run in these woods for days at a time when we were kids and our bare feet wore the dirt smooth.”

I smile at the thought of us running as kids. And we did go barefoot. At least, I did.

“Who the hell in their right mind would go barefoot in the swamp?” Wendy asks.

Nathan and I just smile at each other.

“You two are crazy,” she says.

“Little bit,” Nathan agrees.

And to me, he’s still that little blond boy. He’s still wearing those t-shirts and cargo shorts. He’s teaching me how to fish, and swim, and—

But then I remember that I made some of that up. Maybe even all of it. There is no town upriver where we used to get ice cream and I have to say, that realization shook me. It shook my whole world. And then, of course, I found out that Donovan wasn’t just Donovan and that led me to… well. Maybe I’m not just me, either.

It makes sense. The blackouts. The craziness. The disappearing. All that unplanned killing.

Of course, I tell myself that I wasn’t killing people when I was blacked out. I tell myself that I’d remember something like that. And before this incident with Donovan, I mostly believed it.

But if he can have two personalities, anyone can have two personalities.

What if I’m like Donovan? What if there’s another person inside of me?

Nathan squeezes my hand and I find that we are already in the woods. Deeper than we should be, had I not just lost time.

“We have a tree house,” Nathan is saying. “I built it for Indie when we were teenagers.”

And then I’m back there. In the summer heat. Fresh off a kidnapping. Wearing a white dress and with the jars of fireflies lighting up our little secret getaway.

I’m pretty sure that night was real. Our first time.

And it was… so good.

It was a little bit rough, as I recall. But I liked it.

We ate ice cream, and kissed, and he tasted like mint chocolate chip.

Then he fucked me like I was a woman and not some clueless teenager. It was such a weird contradiction. Everything about where we were was soft and magical. But everything about who we were was hard and dark.

His hand around my throat. His hips hitting my ass from behind.

God, I liked it.

I’m not usually the kind of girl who likes to be controlled like that, but with Nathan? I just don’t care. No, that’s not even true. I do care. I want him to be that way.

But only when we’re fucking.

He needs to be in control of me during sex because… well, let’s just face it, Indie. You’re cra-zeee! And not in the ‘haha’ way, either. But the ‘you’re a psychopath’ way that comes with poison cupcakes, candlesticks, and ninja kicks that knock people out. And sex is one of those triggering experiences. That’s what Donovan always said when we did it. He was always asking me questions about how it made me feel and—

Hold on. Was it Donovan?

Oh, God. Maybe I was fucking Carter?

And now that I think about it, it probably was Carter. Hell, it had to be Carter because I nearly killed Donovan, and if he was in charge, why would I do that?

Never mind Donovan, Indie. You nearly killed Nathan. The only reason he’s alive is because McKay got him out of here.