Page 122 of Lovely Darkness

I narrow mine right back.

Does she know what I’m doing?

Does she know the plan?

Will she try to stop me?

She did shoot Donovan in the back of the head. No one saw that coming. His brains would’ve been splattered into billions of pieces if that had been a bullet instead of a dart.

But she’s too far away to hear anything if I whisper. The machines are beeping and everyone is talking now. So I lean in. “Donovan,” I whisper to him. “Donovan. It’s time to wake up now. I can’t do any of this without you.”

His lips move and the tiniest stream of words comes out with his next breath.

Cerene hears it because she turns her bloodshot eyes towards us and gasps. “He’s waking up!”

Then everyone is turning back towards us and there’s no time to say more.

I squeeze his hand. Pray that he understands what’s happening. That he will do his part to make this end.

His eyes fly open and he inhales, sucking air into his lungs like he’s been underwater for ages.

Everyone is talking at once. “Donovan! You’re back.”

“Donovan, don’t try to move.”

“Donovan, can you see me?”

I don’t know who says what.

All I know is that he lets go of my hand, pushing me away, then slips his hand under the covers to grab something. I see it under the covers. I know what it is just by the outline under the thin cotton sheet. I watch as he brings his arm out, finger on trigger, and places the gun to his head.

The nurses scream.

Doc says, “What the hell are you doing?”

Adam says, “Where the fuck did he get a gun?” And he’s lookin’ right at me when these words come out.

McKay’s reaching for it but I scream, “No!” and push him back. “No!” I’m standing now. “Leave him alone!”

“He’s gonna shoot someone,” McKay yells. “He’s gonna kill someone!”

“I’m not going to kill anyone.” Donovan’s voice is low and scratchy. Like he needs a drink of water. “No one but myself.”

“No.” I stand up. “Back off!” I yell at them. “All of you, back off! If he pulls that trigger, I will never forgive you.” I’m not sure who to direct this comment towards because I’m like a hundred percent certain that Adam gives no fucks at all about my blame or forgiveness at this point in time. We are so over.

And McKay, love him though I do, will not choose me over Adam.

But they are the only ones to appeal to.

They are the only ones who don’t care if Donovan lives.

Adam narrows his eyes at me in a way I don’t recognize.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I’ve seen him look like that before. That day when I was small. My first test to see if I was ready. When I was attacked during that San Francisco job. And other times too.

But those times, he was protecting me. He wasn’t looking at me.

Now, he’s lookin’ at me.