Page 63 of Gorgeous Misery

“I’ll fill you in. But I want you to go in without this explanation, Harrison. I just want your honest take on it when it’s over.”

“Don’t want me to overthink it, huh?”

“Right.”

We get in the jet, he does his pilot shit, and ten minutes later we’re in the air.

Harrison doesn’t ever talk much when he’s flying, and this little jet is kinda loud, which discourages conversation, so I spend the entire flight just staring out the window. Nothing but farms and the occasional town. But Mount Pleasant has a proper small airport, so when we land, it’s not on a dirt road, it’s a real runway.

It takes longer than I remember to get shit situated with the plane and I realize I didn’t factor this in when I calculated how long I’d be gone. Typically, I don’t wait around for the details of landing. That’s Harrison’s job. But I want him with me when we meet up with Nick. I need his take on things. I need to know if I’m doing this right, because I’m not sure I am.

He knows Sasha. He’s been on her side for a long time now. So he’s gonna see things from that perspective. I need that because right now I’m being pulled in a couple different directions.

On the one hand, I have my family. My girls.

On the other, Sasha.

And then, of course, there’s Adam and his little request. Which I was pretty sure I wanted nothing to do with just a couple of days ago, but now… it’s starting to feel inevitable.

And that’s a little bit… maybe exciting is the wrong word. But then again, maybe it’s not.

It’s been a long time since I did a job. I’m not worried about my skills. I’m good. If anyone can unfuck this Donovan guy, it’s me. I’m not worried about performance. But I am a little bit worried about how this all feels.

I didn’t realize I was gonna feel this way until I found Wendy and things started falling into place. But I do. I miss this life. My girls are growing up. Daphne is almost sixteen. She’s thinking about college and boys. She wants to move to Fort Collins for her senior year of high school. Kinda slide into a more normal life before she leaves us for adulthood.

And I’m OK with that. She’s worked hard to be the girl she is today. She earned her chance at a more normal-looking life.

But then Avery isn’t far behind. Just a couple years and she’s gone too. Then my baby, Lily. It just went by so fast and I don’t know what life without the girls looks like. Will Sydney want a job? Will we move into town? Buy a timeshare somewhere?

Will we be normal?

That’s my question. Because I don’t want to be normal. I’ve never been normal and I’m not just OK with this, I love it. I like living on the edge of society. Because I miss it. And maybe it doesn’t feel good, exactly. But this sense of anticipation I feel is a little bit intoxicating. We’ve been safe for so long. No one tried to kill us. It feels a little bit like no one even cared.

I can try to convince myself that it’s a one-off. A little spice in my life, so to speak. Then back to civil domestication. Except this kind of spice comes with serious consequences and I know I should be worried about that but… yeah. I have issues.

The best way to handle this—I figure, anyway—is for me to go unfuck this Donavan character and get it out of my system.

So I guess my internal dilemma is—will this Donovan job be an epilogue to a life that’s over? Or the beginning of a whole new story?

I sigh to myself as I wait for Harrison to sign some papers in the airport office, then turn away from him and shove my hands into my pants pockets.

I’ve spent this whole week lying to myself. I need all the intel so I can keep everyone safe.

But that’s a lie. We’re not in any danger. Whatever is happening with this Adam guy and his friend Donovan, it’s got nothing to do with me. I am a service provider. When it’s over, and Donovan is fixed, if that’s the right word, I will go home and my perfect life with Sydney and the girls will resume.

So. I’m doing this because I like it. One last job before retirement.

Wasn’t that what I said last time?

Harrison finishes up and points to the little terminal as he approaches. “There’s a taxi line over there.”

I nod and join him as we walk. And sure enough, out front, there is a taxi line. No taxis, but there’s a sign that says ‘line starts here’ and a Ford truck sitting at the curb which ends up being our ride.

It’s a two-minute drive to the Americana. We could’ve walked. But that would’ve taken twenty minutes and I’m already starting to get nervous about being away so long.

It was a mistake. I knew it when I made the decision. But I need to look Nick Tate in the eyes before I give him what he wants. I need to hear the whole story. I want the entire ten years spelled out for me and I don’t want him to feel too comfortable while he’s doing that.

We get dropped off at the front of the motel and I pay the driver cash. When the old truck pulls away, Harrison and I just look at each other for a moment.