Page 36 of Gorgeous Misery

She was telling him I was never going to get better.

I didn’t have time to think about this in the moment, but later, I would realize that she was probably gonna report me to Santos. She was Company, obviously. You don’t just plop a little Zero girl down onto any old psychiatrist’s couch for sanity tests.

I don’t know if she did report me, but I think she might’ve. I think that’s why Chek sent me to Nick.

If Nick had me, then Santos couldn’t get me. They are brothers, after all. And maybe Nick wasn’t in charge, plus he was on the run with baby Lauren at the time, but Santos wasn’t gonna mess with Nick.

He needed Nick.

We all needed Nick.

Because Nick isn’t just a person, he’s a requirement. He’s an essential worker. A necessity. Not because he’s so smart, though he probably is smart. But because… I dunno. There’s just something about Nick that feels specific. As in specifically necessary.

But back to the doctor.

She said something else before Chek came out and took my hand and led me out of that tall building, never to return. She said there was no cure for me.

Like I had a disease.

No. Like I was the disease.

There was no cure for me.

This was why I was so interested in what Johnny Boston was doing down in Key West. Because his woman, Megan, was making the cure.

And hello? I wanted that cure.

I was tired of being the disease. And even if Carter never got me, or Santos didn’t kill me before he got himself shot in the head in Kansas, I wanted Chek to know that I was not a disease.

That I am not espeluznante.

I am just Wendy.

That’s why I did all those things that day.

That’s all I was after.

I just wanted my chance to be cured.

If I could do it over, would I do it differently?

Well. Yeah. Of course.

Of course I would.

“Does that mean you feel regret?… Wendy?”

“I’m thinking.”

“Thinking about what?”

“The exact meaning of regret.”

“Would you like me to define it for you?”

“OK.”

“Regret. To feel sorrow or dissatisfaction on account of the happening or the loss of something. As in, to regret an error.”