Page 67 of Pretty Nightmare

But I’ve had some success in that area, at least.

When I put myself under it’s not really under, it’s just a very deep relaxed state. A freeing state where my mind is allowed to wander and thoughts pop up almost at random. Visions too. I can even hear people when I’m in this state.

It’s not a dream, but a precursor to a dream. In science, we call this hypnagogia. It’s an intermediary state of consciousness people experience just prior to falling asleep and consists of visual and auditory sensations. It’s quite helpful for problem-solving. Although the difficulty of inducing it for a long enough period to study, and the fact that, like sleep, it induces amnesia, makes it a little unreliable.

Some people never experience hypnagogia, or don’t remember it. But I have always had bouts of extremely vivid visions and sounds as I was falling asleep. Stress can bring it on as well. And it’s been known to be helpful working things out. Some very smart and famous people have reported solving big problems while in a hypnagogic state.

Ana was the one who turned me on to this. Prior to seeing her out at the healing center I hadn’t thought about it much. It was brushed over in my neuroscience classes in school. One or two paragraphs in a text. A single multiple-choice question on an exam. That’s about it.

It’s not very helpful in a therapeutic situation. It doesn’t last long enough and again, the memory of it is unreliable.

In Ana’s world this state is used for lucid dreaming.

I was skeptical at first. But after I left and went home to LA, I practiced. It was surprisingly enlightening. I videotaped every session, even though the video was mostly me just lying there, and hooked myself up to an EEG and did an audio-only recording too, trying to keep it all scientific.

It’s not very scientific.

But I had a timer set to wake me. A loud bell that would jolt me. And then I would talk it out. Say everything I could remember.

On a scale of one to five, I would rate this therapy a one and a half. But I persisted. Because even small steps forward can be helpful. I remember that much from all that PSYOPS training.

Also, I kind of enjoyed it. The lucid dreams were interesting. I’d see people sometimes. Doing very random things, like riding a bike in a circle. And they talked too. That was creepy, but also cool. Most of it is meaningless. But it was a little bit like… spying on strangers. I understand that these people I saw weren’t real, but… fuck it. I wasn’t consciously making them up. So they were a little bit real.

Anyway, I’m gonna ask Indie to watch me. That’s the trade, I think. I’ll do her sessions and she can just watch mine. I have the videos, so I’m not expecting much. But Ana was right. The reason my progress has been so slow is because I don’t have anyone helping me.

Tomorrow night. That’s when we’ll start.

My phone rings. It’s Indie. “What’s up?”

“Where are you? In town?”

“Yup. At the office. Why?”

“We’re all heading in for pizza. Wanna meet us?”

“Sure.”

“OK, we’re on our way.”

“Oh, hey, Indie. Wait. So tomorrow?”

“What about it?”

“I think we should start. I have a plan. For you and for me.”

“What is it?”

“Are you alone?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“I just don’t want Adam and McKay to know what we’re doing. You didn’t tell them, right?”

“No. It’s our thing. Nothing to do with them.”

“Good. OK. Just checking. I don’t want Adam prying. It’s… you know.”

“Personal.”