Page 106 of Tony

“Oh!” She looks up at Vann. “Fuck him. Let’s go.”

But Vann, surprisingly, shakes his head no. “Give him his minute, toots.”

I turn away from Belinda’s incredulous look and gather my thoughts as I face Soshee. “Look,” I say, walking towards her so I can take her hands in mine. “I just need to say one thing to you before I do anything else. Your mom was right. It’s about what I didn’t say. And I’m going to get to that in a second. But I need you to know this first, OK? I need you to hear me.” I stop and point at Belinda. “What I did to her”—I shake my head—“I won’t do that to you. That’s all I want to say. I promise. I will never do that to anyone again.”

“Ah-ha!” Belinda says. “So you admit you were a dick.”

“Quiet, Belinda,” Vann says. “He’s about to tell you the one thing you’ve been waiting eight long years for. Let the man do his thing.”

“I haven’t been waiting for—”

But Vann cups a hand around her mouth and silences her. He smiles at me. And when he does that, I can totally see why everyone finds him so fucking charming. “Go ahead, Tony. Get it all out, man. You’re gonna feel so much better when you do.”

I turn back to Soshee and sigh. “I get it now.”

She smiles at me and nods. “Keep going.”

“What I did to her?” I nod my head at Belinda. “It was horrible. She’s right. I kicked her out of her own home and had her sent to a strange place with a new name. I stole her identity. And I didn’t even think twice about it. And what I need you to understand right now, before I turn and fix that, is… I will never do that to you. I will never make that mistake again. I will never throw someone I love out like trash.”

I turn to Belinda and Vann removes his hand from her mouth so she can have her say too. But she stays quiet.

“I’m sorry, Belinda.” And as soon as the words come out, I feel it. Relief.

This must be what religious people feel when they are baptized, I guess. Because my sin—it doesn’t go away. It will never go away, but I stop carrying the weight of it.

“When you showed up on my street, Belinda, my life stopped. I’m talking I couldn’t fucking eat, or sleep, or think straight. And there was so much anger inside me. At first it was because I couldn’t believe you were there. I had sent you away. I had gotten rid of you. And now you were back?” I shake my head. “After all the turbulence of our relationship, when you left—and I’m so ashamed to say this out loud to you right now, but it needs to be said—all I felt was relief. I was so happy you were gone.”

Belinda’s face goes blank. And I almost think she will cry again. But she doesn’t. She just folds her arms across her chest.

And that’s not enough, I realize. Those words aren’t nearly enough to keep the weight of my sin from creeping back inside me.

“I didn’t understand those feelings. So I came here to figure it out, I guess.”

“To hate-fuck me out of your head,” Belinda says. “Just like the old days.”

“You’re right. That’s why I came. But I didn’t hate you, Belinda. I have never hated you. For fuck’s sake. You’re so damn cute. And mouthy. And pink. You’re goddamn adorable, OK? There’s no possible way I could hate you. I just…” I let out a long, resigned sigh. “I just… hate who I am with you.”

She pouts her lips. Looks pretty sad, too.

“It’s not you. It’s not even me, OK? It’s just…” I point to me, then her, then back at me. “Us, Rosalie. It’s just us. We’re not good together. We’ve never been good together. And I blamed you for that. And I’m so fucking sorry. You didn’t deserve what I did to you. And I know there’s no way to take that back and make it better, but I’m gonna try to do that right now anyway. So I just want you to know… I’m truly fucking sorry, Belinda.”

Then I turn to Soshee. “And I know I’ve said it twice now, but I really need you to see that I’m being honest here, Sosh. Because you and I? You and I are like… her and him.” I nod my head towards Vann and Belinda. “Does that make sense?”

Soshee sniffles a little, then laughs as she nods. “Yeah. It kinda does.”

“We, you guys”—I look at Vann and Belinda—“we make sense.” They just stare at me. “Am I wrong? Because if I’m wrong, just say so and I’ll disappear and never bother anyone in this room again. But the four of us are connected in ways you two don’t even know about yet.”

“Oh, my God, that’s true!” Soshee says. “Did you know I’m related to him?”

“What?” Belinda laughs.

I scowl at Soshee. “That’s not true.”

“It so is! I’m his cousin-in-law!”

“No,” I say, shaking my head. “No. You’re not.”

“What the hell is happening?” Vann says.