Page 156 of Creeping Beautiful

She presses her face into her knees and shakes her head. “I remember him now.”

“Who?” I answer too fast. Too eager. And she looks up at me, startled. “I mean… well, Indie. It’s not gonna change anything. But… if you tell me, I will help you, baby. I will do anything to make it better. Who do you remember? Carter? Is that who?”

She nods. “I lied to you.”

“It’s OK, Indie. We all lie sometimes.”

I cringe as soon as the words are out of my mouth. Because that’s the truth right there. We all lie sometimes? That’s almost funny. Lies… lies are what we do. We were all lying to her tonight. Only Donovan has a clear conscious right now. He’s the only one who came clean.

“What did you lie about, Indie?

She looks down at her hands in her lap and plays with a piece of string from her t-shirt. She doesn’t say anything, just shakes her head.

“It’s OK. You can tell me. I won’t judge you. I’m not leaving. No matter what you say, I’m here. I’m staying.”

“That man, Carter?”

“What about him?”

“He wasn’t Angelica’s handler. He was mine.”

I let out a long breath of air. I knew this. We all knew this. But hearing her say it makes it real.

“Were you with him? These past four years?”

She looks up at me and squints her eyes. Like she can’t quite remember. But then she nods. “Most of the time. But I got away. He’s gonna know I came home.”

“Do you think, Indie… do you think he sent you here? Do you think that’s why you got away?”

She shakes her head. “No. There was a fight, McKay. And I won.”

“Did you kill him?”

“No. But I tried to.” Her eyes begin to beg at me. “I wanted to. But I couldn’t. It was like… there was something inside me. Something that wouldn’t let me finish it.”

“That’s just programming, Indie. He put that there.”

“Can you take it away, McKay?”

“No. But… maybe Donovan can.”

She’s quiet for a long time after that. Hugging herself around her knees. Just a little bundle of a girl wrapped up in shadows and fear in the corner of her childhood bedroom. “What really happened that day, McKay?” She lifts her eyes up to meet mine from across the room. “To Nathan and… Maggie.”

I picture all the stupid things she could do once this last bit of truth is told. Kill herself. Kill me. Kill all of us. Disappear. Start killing other people. Go insane. Go back to Carter, whoever the fuck that asshole is. Take your pick, none of it is good.

Forgetting was good for her. And us.

That was the best thing for her and we all know it. Adam can blame Donovan all he wants, but he has to know, that was the best thing for her. Donovan had no idea she’d take off that night and never come back.

I’d like to think I can recall every detail of that night. But it’s not true. The drugs. They were strong. And even after Donovan dosed us with the Narcan, I didn’t feel completely normal.

Nathan wasn’t dead when Adam left and Donovan took Indie inside.

But by the time I got done with him—he was.

I walk over to the tub and turn it on.

“What are you doing?”