Page 55 of Bossy Bride: Emma and Jesse

“Hey!” I yell. “I can’t hear!” But my voice sounds muffled and distant. “My headset stopped working! I can’t hear the vows!”

Emma’s saying something too. Then her hand slips out from mine and she floats away.

“Emmaaaa!”

I see her say, “Jesseeeee!” And then…

Whoosh!

She flies upwards and disappears from my view.

What the fuck? We didn’t even say ‘I do!’

But then I’m jerked upwards and holy fuck. The harness cuts into the soft flesh under my arms and it fuckin’ hurts.

But there’s no time to think about that because the earth is getting closer and closer. Sven maneuvers us in small circles, and then before I know it our feet are on the ground and we’re running.

Of course, I trip, fall down, and take Sven with me.

He unclips us, turns me over, and holds out his hand.

I take it and let him pull me to my feet. But as soon as I’m steady, I take off my helmet. “What the hell was that?”

He claps me on the back. Pretty hard. Too hard, actually. “Congratulations!”

“Congratulations? We didn’t even say ‘I do!’”

“What?”

“Dude.” I point to him. “Do not fuck with me. You know we didn’t say ‘I do’ because the headsets stopped working just as we got to the vows.”

“Awww. Nah. That’s not what happened. I heard you say ‘I do.’”

“I did not say ‘I do.’” I look around and find Emma coming towards me, pulling off her helmet and shaking out her hair. She’s smiling big.

“Oh. My. God!” she says, nearly breathless. “That was the best wedding ever!”

“What? No! I couldn’t hear! I didn’t say ‘I do!’”

Emma frowns. “What? Are you sure? I thought I heard you say—”

“I didn’t! I couldn’t hear anything after ‘Do you, Jesse!’”

“Oh. Well…” She looks at Sven. “Well, that sucks.”

“It’s still legal,” Sven insists.

“How can it be legal?” I ask. “And that’s not even the point! I didn’t get to say ‘I do!’”

“Maybe we can do it again?” Emma offers.

But both Sven and Blain are both shaking their heads. “No can do,” Sven says.

“We’re booked up for the rest of the day,” Blain adds.

I turn away and take a deep breath. Because you know what? Fuck this.

“Fuck this,” I say. “We’re out of here. I’m so done with weddings. Fingers can just fuck off. His fantasy weddings were all bullshit and fake. That Treasure Island wedding? Not even a wedding! He lied to us and we actually took the place of the freaking show performers! And that Big Apple Coaster wedding? We weren’t even the couple getting married! This whole thing is a scam!”