Page 45 of Bossy Bride: Emma and Jesse

I get in, and then suddenly everything is happening very fast. The restraint harnesses are slammed down by a large man with a long beard. Then he hands Emma and I a pair of wraparound earbuds and points to his ears. “Put them on,” he says. “That’s how you hear the wedding.”

“Got it,” I say, adjusting my earbuds.

Emma does the same and then there’s a voice in my ears. “Karen and Chad!” the tinny voice says. “Are you ready for the first day of the rest of your life?”

The wedding party cheers. But Emma is grabbing my arm. “What the fuck? Karen and Chad?”

“Yeah, that’s weird, babe.”

She looks around. “Is this some kind of joke?”

But clearly there is a Karen and Chad, and they are dressed up like bride and groom, so... “I think it’s real. Just… a very weird coincidence.”

She opens her mouth to say something, but then the train is moving forward and the—

reverend? Priest? Wedding official?—begins the ceremony with, “We are gathered here together to celebrate the union of Karen and Chad…”

Emma and I look at each other and shrug as we approach the first hill and start climbing. Fuck it. We knew this was just the practice run and we have two more chances to get married after this, so who cares if we’re coaster-bombing the Fugosi wedding?

“Chad, do you promise to love and cherish Karen? Through the highs and lows, through the good and the bad?”

We reach the top of the hill and there’s a moment of high expectations and jittery silence before the announcer continues, “Through sickness and health, for as long as you live, or until you die on the Big Apple Coaster?”

I laugh. Fucking Vegas.

And then we’re going down and everyone is screaming, and I’m not even sure Chad is on board with his marriage vows, but who cares?

We come off the first hill and the announcer is talking again. “And Karen. Lovely Karen. No, you cannot speak to my manager about my inappropriate wedding vows. Do you, Karen—”

The coaster whips us to the side and I lose a few moments of the vows.

But then his voice is there again as we jerk back and forth towards another hill. “—for as long as you live, or until Chad cheats on you with a showgirl down in the casino, loses all the bribe money you just took to allow Jesse and Emma to take the place of your bridesmaid and best man, and you hire a hitman to off him?”

We go upside down and everyone is screaming again, so no clue if Karen’s on board either.

But when I look over at Emma she’s smiling and squealing with delight. And that’s all I care about.

“Everyone!” the announcer says. “Put your hands in the air and scream, ‘I do!’”

Everyone does. Including Emma and I.

The announcer keeps the ceremony going but I’m too busy being jerked around and laughing to hear anything else until we finally slow down and approach the station.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife!” the officiator shouts. And then he morphs into his legal disclaimer voice and starts talking real fast. “Please do not attempt to exit the train until the ride has come to a complete stop. New York, New York Hotel and Casino takes no responsibility for your marriage contract. This is not a legally binding ceremony until your wedding documents have been signed and filed. Have a nice life and if you need a quickie annulment, please visit Marty. L. Mitts in Twain Swenson Plaza, ten minutes northeast of the casino! Congratulations, Chad and Karen!”

The train car jerks to a stop and the safety harnesses release.

I stand up, my legs shaky and my head a little dizzy from the ride. And Emma is taking my hand. “Oh, my God. That was crazy!”

I help her out of our car, and then we nod and smile at the bride and groom, and start looking for… well, shit. Who are we looking for?

“What do we do now?” Emma asks.

“I dunno. Grandma left.”

“Maybe Clarence is waiting for us back inside the hotel?”

We follow the wedding party down the walkway that leads back into the hotel, and then pause below the Big Apple Coaster sign to look around.