Page 92 of Three, Two, One [321]

“Well, I don’t want to go. I’m watching football.”

JD is obviously not going to help, so I get up and grab my coat off the hook near the front door, then put it on and join her outside. The air is cold, but not too bad. “You ready?” I ask. “You look ready.” I join her standing at the edge of the terrace, and look down onto the congestion of California Street. There’s a little Christmas tree lot about half a block up. And it’s busy today, because Christmas is next week.

“Look how close it is,” she says. Her warm breath puffs out of her mouth as steam.

“I know. It’s steps from here. So let’s go.”

She turns to look at me. Her face is so pretty now that she’s put on weight. Those dark circles under her eyes have faded. Her complexion now is one of well-fed health. She’s gained at least fifteen pounds and she could use five more, if you ask me. But she’s self-conscious about it. Complaining about her clothing sizes. We started ordering her clothes online the day after we closed our contract with Ray and she’s been shopping ever since. “I’ll watch you the whole time, Ark. And if anything happens, I’ll scream for JD to go rescue you.”

“Haha,” I deadpan back, pulling her in for a side hug. “You have to go outside sometime, Blue. Today is your day.”

She shakes her head against my chest and then takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I know I disappoint you. But I can’t go. And it’s not even for the reasons you think.”

“What? You’re not afraid?”

“I am,” she says softly. “But that’s not the reason I don’t want to leave the loft.” She takes a step back, forcing me to release her from my tight embrace. And then she just stares at me.

“Tell me,” I say.

She opens her mouth, then closes it just as quickly. When the words finally come out, she has to look away. “I’m afraid if I go out there again, I’ll remember what he took from me. All these feelings of captivity will finally disappear and I will realize I’m free. And I’ll be like a bird whose cage door is left open. They don’t understand that they’re free. So they sit there, inside the cage, and refuse to fly away.”

“Blue, you’re not a prisoner—”

She places a hand on my chest to stop me. “I know that. I’m just telling you how I feel, Ark. I know I’m free. The little bird can see the opening door and the way out. But it won’t leave out of fear. And I don’t know what little captive birds fear. But I fear that once I walk out that door, I’ll never find my way back. I’ll call my parents and get them mixed up in this, and then someone will swoop in and take me away. And that’s not a bad thing, Ark. But you and JD…” Her words trail off as she peeks around me to watch him inside. I can feel her love in this moment. I’ve had doubts over the past few weeks, wondering if what we have is love, or maybe just an unusually strong case of lust. Or maybe all we are here for is the sex? I just don’t know sometimes.

But this pause… this pause is all I need to know. What we have is real. No matter what you call it, it’s real.

She finally looks back up to me. “I can’t lose you. I know nothing lasts forever, but I’m not ready, Ark. I’d rather stay in my cage and watch the world from my high perch than risk flying out that door and never finding my way back.”

I take a deep breath and nod. “I’ll go get us a tree.”

The snow crunches under my feet as I walk back to the terrace door.

JD never looks up from his wild cheering as some big play happens on the TV in front of him. I walk straight to the front door and let myself out.

Once there, I place my palms against the wall and lean forward until my forehead hits the brick.

I’m not sure which part of that conversation hurts the most. The fact that she doesn’t trust herself to stay if she leaves. The fact that she thinks of herself as a bird in a cage. Or the fact that this is temporary, and we both know it.

Love happens in twos.

There is no holy trinity of love.

Would I still love JD without Blue?

I shake my head and push away from the wall. I head to the stairs, needing the physical activity to clear my thoughts. But all the way down, with each thumping step of my shoes on the steel, I can only hear one word in my mind.

No.

I would not want a relationship with JD without Blue. I love him as a friend. I love him as part of this arrangement. I love him in many different ways. But I don’t love him as a man.

I push through the stairwell door and end up in our lobby. I can see the Christmas tree lot down the street from here, so I go outside and start weaving my way through the slow-moving stream of cars when my phone buzzes.

I reach into my pocket and read the message from Blue.

Will you buy ornaments and lights tonight too? So we can decorate it?

I’ll do that first, I text back.