Page 45 of Three, Two, One [321]

I don’t think so. No, that’s not why she’s calm. That’s not why there are no tears. She’s just turned it off. She’s a good little liar, but it’s not me she’s lying to. It’s herself.

“You can ask me a question,” I whisper. “If you want.”

She’s silent for so long, I take that as disinterest. And I’m just about to close my eyes and try to fall back asleep when it finally comes.

“Who is the person you love most in this world?”

“That’s easy,” I tell her. “JD.”

“Why?” She turns her body so she can look at me. “Why do you love him if he’s a bad guy?”

I shrug. “Because you gotta love someone.”

“And he was just there?”

“Yeah, he was just there.”

“But now he’s more than just there.”

“Now he’s the only person in this world I can trust. He’s the only person in this world worth saving when the shit goes down. He’s the only person in this world who won’t fuck me over.”

“How do you know that, though? How do you know he won’t?”

“Because he loves me.”

“But you’re not gay?”

“Blue, please. It’s not the same kind of love.”

“Maybe so. But you could try.”

“Try what?”

“Try loving us together.”

“Why do you need two men?” I ask. “Why isn’t he enough?”

“I told you. I don’t feel safe unless I’m surrounded.”

I give her a little squeeze. “My arms aren’t enough for you to feel surrounded?”

She says nothing after that. And it’s not so she can think up her answer, it’s just because she’s got no answer. She doesn’t know why she needs us both. JD doesn’t know why he wants me to share her. I don’t know why I’m refusing.

Principle, I guess. She’s mine, anyway. She was mine the moment I saw her.

“I know where JD went yesterday. Where he’s going today, too.”

She doesn’t answer. Maybe she’s asleep.

“And it’s not good, Blue. I’ll share you if that’s what you want. But only because JD will never be able to give you what you need.”

“How do you know what I need?”

“You already told me. You need Jimmy Laszlio.”

“It’s Laslos, not Laszlio. And he’s dead. So if he’s what I need, then I’m good and fucked.”

“Not the Jimmy Laslos, Blue. But a guy like him.”