Page 81 of Play Dirty

It didn’t make any sense. None of it made any fucking sense to me. What was I supposed to do with her?

And the things she said to me. I know now that it’s just playing, right? Games. Dirty talk. Things that make you hot.

But I had never had sex before. Barely even masturbated. I wasn’t thinking about sex with Ixion. I was thinking about football and Christmas. I was thinking we had fun last summer and this winter his family was taking me skiing with them in Aspen. I was thinking in one more year we’d be in middle school and then after that we’d get our driver’s permits, and then… I dunno. Whatever. We’d have fun, like we always did. And it would all feel pretty good because it always did. That’s why we were best friends in the first place.

I didn’t get it, I just knew it was wrong. More wrong than any confusing feelings I ever had for Ixion.

And I felt shame.

It was a dirty little game and that’s exactly what it felt like.

Dirty.

Being alone with this girl made me feel dirty. Filled me with shame.

And when I got back home Ixion asked me, “How was the hunt? Did you tag a deer?”

So it must’ve been deer. Because I remember staring at his face as he asked me that.

And I said, “No. It wasn’t that kind of hunting trip.”

And somehow he could tell something was wrong. He knew. He felt it, or I was acting weird, or I dunno. He just knew.

I remember sitting up in my room at my desk, just staring out my window. There was a pine tree just outside. Ix and I used to climb it when we were small. I fell off once and broke my arm. He was there for that. Went with me to the hospital. Signed a great big red X on my cast.

And he was there this night too. He decided to sleep over. And I know now that it was because he was worried about me. He didn’t want to leave me alone. I had these moods I went though sometimes. And therapists I’d go talk to. But until that night when I tied that rope around the tree branch, slipped it around my neck, and was about to jump off and end everything for good… I didn’t understand why my parents made me see therapists.

You’re not supposed to like boys.

But I did like him.

He stopped me. He saved me.

How could I not love him for that?

And then he saved me again when I fucked everyone over in LA. He swooped in like the best friend he was and pulled me out of the flames.

What would my dad have thought of me if Ixion wasn’t there?

Should I care? Since it was him, and that weekend with that girl who made me who I am today? Is that why I can’t manage a normal relationship with a woman? Is that why all the world’s a game to me?

Is that why… is that why I had Chella’s father killed and never even blinked?

Was it him—my father—who I really wanted dead?

The sound of a slamming car door wakes me up. Sunlight is shining through the windows. Boots thud on the old wooden porch as they approach the door.

Then knocking. “Jordan?”

It’s Ixion.

“Come in,” I croak out, my throat still dry from sleep.

He opens the door and peeks his head in cautiously. “Hey,” he says, coming inside and then closing the door behind him.

“How’d you know I was here?”

“Augustine called, looking for you. And then Evangeline mentioned she had lunch with you yesterday so I got Darrel to track your company car. What the fuck are you doing up here?”