Page 30 of The Pleasure of Panic

“Uh…”

“I mean, I know we’re not supposed to talk about this or it’ll ruin the illusion, but I’m sorta nervous and I can’t help it.”

Jesus Christ. Pull yourself together, Finn Murphy! You’re a goddamned FBI agent. You’re a motherfucking force to be reckoned with. This woman has you totally off your game! Step the fuck up and play!

I heed the internal monologue and collect myself. “I’m curious about the whole thing, honestly.”

“Because it’s weird?”

“I thought we already decided it was normal?”

“It is normal. Well, it’s normal to fantasize about it. I’m not sure how many women actually go through with it, so that’s… a little bit unusual. But you know what they say?”

“What do they say?” I’m dying. Fucking dying to know what they say!

“‘You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change.’”

“Who said that?” I ask.

“Zig Ziglar,” she replies. “One of my motivational heroes.”

“Ah.” OK, I like this topic far better than the fantasy sex game we’re not playing. So I take the opportunity to switch the subject. “Is he the guy who got you interested in motivational speaking?”

“Yup. His book saved my life.”

“You mean like… literally? You were what, on the edge of suicide and then you stumbled onto his words and you decided to give it all another go?”

“No, dumbass. I mean I was at rock bottom, not ready to off myself. That’s all.”

“Define rock bottom.”

“No, again,” she growls. “It’s none of your business.”

“Do you tell your students about your rock bottom?”

“Why?”

“I’m just curious. I find you kinda fascinating.”

“Because I’m in this game and I don’t look like the kind of woman who’d want to play?”

“Well, yeah.”

“I tell some stuff,” she admits. “Not all of it, of course.”

“Why ‘of course?’ I mean, ‘of course’ implies that missing stuff is too private to talk about, or too weird to talk about, or too painful to talk about. So which one is it?”

“You have to pay to hear that answer. That’s my livelihood.”

I smile, picturing myself at one of her women’s empowerment seminars. “Can I come tomorrow?”

“No.”

“Why not? Because I’m a man?”

“That’s not why. It’s just full. I have a waiting list six months long.”

“You’re pretty popular,” I say.