Page 104 of The Pleasure of Panic

I smile. The kind of job I do… well, if I wanted to, I could read a lot into that little offer. But I don’t feel like reading between the lines today. So I say, “Sure. I’m in.”

“Cool,” he says. “I’ll be in touch.” The window starts sliding up, forcing me to step back, and then he pulls away like it never happened.

Go F*ck Yourself has a new sign on the door that says, “Don’t count the things you do, do the things that count.” And when I peek through the glass I see a room of women sitting at the various tables in small groups. Suzanne is talking to a few of them. All the tables are filled with black and yellow take-out containers from the Tea Room across the street, and when I go inside, the mood is quiet, but not sad.

Not sad.

Issy is on the other side of the large open area, moderating a class on kickboxing. She looks pretty fuckin’ hot in her tight workout pants and halter-top sports bra. I can see her scar. It scares me just to look at it, but I let that feeling go. Because she’s still here and that’s all that matters.

She doesn’t see me at first, but then she’s in the middle of explaining some kind spinning jujitsu move thing in slow motion when her eyes meet mine. And when she comes out of the pretend kick and lands on her feet, she’s facing me. Like she planned that.

Maybe she planned that? Which makes me smile.

And then she smiles. And says, “OK, ladies. Practice that one until I get back.”

We walk toward each other. A million questions between us. Serious things to discuss. Major shit to resolve. Demons that should be laid to rest.

But when we finally meet up I say, “You should be resting.”

She says, “Go fuck yourself.”

And then we laugh.

Like this is funny… when it’s not.

It’s not funny, it’s just… easy. That’s all. To let it go. To move on. To start fresh.

She says, “You know, I’ve done a lot of thinking and I’ve decided…”

Shit, here it comes. Judgment Day.

“It wasn’t the pleasure of panic.”

“What?” I ask, confused.

“That brought us together.”

“Wasn’t it?”

“No,” she says, walking towards me. She reaches up to my neck and then she’s pulling her legs up to wrap around my middle, and I’m hiking her up, hands under her ass, holding her tight. “It was the serenity of satisfaction.”

The kiss that comes after feels like the first kiss. Feels like everything I’ve ever wanted but was too afraid to ask for. Feels like…

“Yeah,” I whisper. “That’s exactly right.” Satisfaction. “Because pleasure is what you want in the beginning, but satisfaction is what you get at the end.”

And then Issy smiles and whispers back in my mouth, “I’m gonna put that on a poster.”

EPILOGUE - JORDAN

“So you’re probably wondering where the fuck I fit in to all this.”

Ixion just looks at me, blank. “Uh… nope.”

“I get it, you’re confused.”

“Why the fuck am I here?” he asks.

“Like I said, confused.”