Page 18 of Wasted Lust

I swallow hard as I turn over on my back and stare up at the ceiling. The only thing holding my illusion together was school. My objective. Get that PhD and slip into a world of isolated academia. A world of digging in the earth searching for clues to the past. A world where only the joy of discovery matters. A world where I was no longer Sasha Cherlin, the child who can kill. I was Sasha Aston, the woman who clung hard to the only innocent thing about her upbringing.

A love of dinosaurs.

My father fostered that love like my life depended on it. He took me to museums and places here in the West where bones were found, tracks were still visible, and all the unanswered questions were about what these ancient creatures ate, how they raised their young, and lived out their days until the final blow that wiped them off the face of the earth.

And maybe he knew? Maybe he knew all those years ago that I needed this innocent hobby to get me past the person I truly was? To blind me to the facts and make me forget that I was born a Company girl.

I will not cry about the end of this life. I will not.

I have ended my life before. I can pick up and move on. I can even find another, more suitable, program to join and continue the illusion that I am normal.

I could.

But I know I won’t.

Because Nick Tate still holds me captive. His broken promise still hurts. The way he pushed me aside that last night I saw him still stings my heart. The scream that came out of my mouth as I was led down the dock to a waiting boat by James and delivered into the hands of Merc.

I watched Nick fade that night. But he never disappeared for me. As much as I tried to say he did, even after Agent Jax told me Nick was looking for me, it’s just not possible to forget the person you were meant to marry and spend the rest of your life with.

And I wonder, and have wondered all this time, if being a Company girl would’ve been so bad if I’d been with Nick.

It’s a frightening thought. Especially after seeing first-hand what they did to the girls who were not raised by my father. The ones not raised and loved by the Admiral, like Harper was. His little princess was spared the brunt of the consequences, just like me.

But the child assassin fate was tempered by the fact that my destiny was Nicholas Tate.

And yet it wasn’t.

It’s so wrong to wish for the life I never had. It’s wrong. Because so many people put their lives on the line to give me this second chance. They made sacrifices for me.

I am filled with shame because if Nick had offered his hand that night when I was thirteen and kept his promise to make me his, I would’ve said yes. I would’ve walked away from all the friends and family who love me so much, and they would be the ones left behind instead of me.

I would take Nick’s hand. I would gladly take his hand and disappear into a life of crime and uncertainty. Death and lies.

Shame on you, Sasha.

Yes. Shame on me for wanting my only chance at true love.

“Yeah,” I say to the ceiling. “I should feel so much shame because my future was stolen from me.” It’s ridiculous and it maddens me that every one of my old friends from the Company days got their happy ending. It infuriates me. It makes my whole body rage with heat that I must suppress my dreams to make things right.

Why? That’s my only lingering question. “Why did you leave me, Nick Tate? Why was everyone allowed to determine what was best for me back then except me? Why am I stuck here, on the edge of fulfillment, while you live the life you chose? Why am I not allowed to make my own choices?”

And most importantly, why are you looking for me again?

I don’t think it’s because I’m in danger. Nick would not contact me, of all people, if that was the case. He’d call James or Merc. They’d leave me out of everything, like they always do. They’d gather their guns and ammo. Call up old favors. Turn back into the dangerous and insane men they used to be.

They’d take care of things and I’d probably never know about it.

So why is Nick looking for me?

I’ve tried to put it out of my mind since Agent Jax corralled me into that interrogation room at the airport last summer. I came home and went back to my studies. Went through the motions of work and pretended that this was the life I chose for myself.

But it was all a lie.

Nick. Nick. Nick. The name reverberates in my head every moment of every day. Hidden. Secret. But still there, no matter how many times I try to deny it.

“You’re mad, Sasha.”

I am mad. In every sense of the word. I’m furious and insane.