Page 132 of Meant for Mayhem

“Lori?” I whispered. “Are you asleep?”

The bed rustled, and then a lamp flicked on. “Well, hi sweet girl. I’m glad you made it home safely.”

Home.

There was that word again, but this time, it hurt so badly I almost doubled over.

This wasn’t my home.

The penthouse wasn’t home, either.

And god, I’d do anything to never have to return to my dad’s trailer.

So where did I even belong?

“What’s wrong?” Lori said, already reading me like a book. “Are you okay?”

I shook my head, but still said, “I’m fine.”

Lori patted the bed, and I climbed up on it with her and curled into her side. She brushed my hair away from my face with a trembling hand, leaning down to plant a kiss on my forehead, making me feel like a child. “Tell me how to fix it, sweetheart. Tell me what’s wrong.”

The sob came out before I could stop it. “I can’t lose you.”

“Who said I’m going anywhere?”

But I felt the tremors in her hand as she rubbed my back, like a ticking time bomb, counting down the days until she left me too. “You will someday. And then what? I’m back to square one. Alone.”

Lori lifted my chin, so I had to look at her. “This isn’t about me. Talk to me. What’s really going on?”

I looked at the ceiling instead, throat burning. “I think I screwed up.”

“How?”

“I let myself want more.” The words tasted like surrender, like the last of my walls crumbling to the ground. “I knew what I signed up for when I agreed to marry Mikko. This was temporary: I’d help with Leena, finish my fellowship not quite as broke, and then walk away when the season ended. That’s all this was—a job. Right?”

Lori’s hand kept drifting through my hair. “But you love them, don’t you?”

I let out a wet, ugly laugh. “Don’t say it like that. It makes it sound inevitable.”

“Isn’t it?”

“I can’t love them.” I wiped at my face, frustrated with myself. “Not like they deserve. Not when all I know is how to push everyone away before they can get close enough to hurt me. But the thought of packing a bag and walking out of their lives feels like I’m going to rip my heart right out of my chest. How am I supposed to do that, Lori? How do I go back to a life that doesn’t have them in it?”

She was quiet for a moment, letting me fall apart in a way no one else was allowed to see. When she finally spoke, her voice was soft but steady.

“You’ve spent so many years being the strongest person in every room that you forgot strength can also look like being scared and doing it, anyway.” She nudged my shoulder. “Wanting something enough to ask for it is a different kind of bravery, Shannon. You’ve never been afraid of a fight, so maybe it’s time you stopped being afraid of the future.”

I sniffed. “Well, that was kind of rude.”

Lori laughed, then leaned down and kissed my temple. “Sorry. Maybe you got your bluntness from me.”

I slid my hand into hers, holding it tight. “What do I do, Lori?”

“You go upstairs and you tell that man you love him. And you keep right on living the happy ever after you’re supposed to have.”

“But what if he doesn’t love me back? What if all of this is him being nice to me, and that’s all it is?”

“Do you really think that?”