Page 87 of Deck the Hauls

I lathered shampoo into my hair. It was ridiculous, but it felt like my entire career was riding on this movie.

If it was a complete flop perhaps I should just quit acting for good and stay here? Work on the farm, or maybe George could find me a job at Novel Gossip? I vigorously rinsed water through my hair. It wasn’t like I was happy doing voice-overs and working at the restaurant back in Brooklyn anyway. If I stayed, would I eventually feel comfortable coming out? Sapphire Springs certainly seemed more progressive than Dyker Heights. Hiding my affection for Dana in public had been an ever-growing struggle.

I squeezed conditioner onto my hand and smoothed it into my hair.

If I quit acting, it would make another decision easier as well. My qualms about going on the record against Phillip, about the damage it would do to my career, would vanish. I wouldn’t have anything to lose then. What could he do? Try to undermine my role as a Christmas elf?

I snorted.

But—and it was a big but—I couldn’t imagine not acting, or at least, not doing everything I could to try to act. The past few years had been hard, but I’d kept going because it was my passion. Would I really be happy, throwing my dreams, all my hard work, away? I sighed. I would not.

I pushed open the shower door and grabbed a towel, drying myself vigorously before the cold sank into my bones.

God, there was so much uncertainty at the moment. Everything felt in flux. Dana, Phillip, Austin, my career…

I stared at myself in the mirror and took a deep breath before exhaling slowly. Just have fun tonight. Even if it was terrible, at least I’d be watching it with friends I could laugh with.

—

“Shush, everybody. It’s starting,” Jenny said, flopping on a beanbag on the floor next to Blake, her long blond hair bouncing as she landed.

The HolLove Channel presents: The Christmas Tree Farm. The words appeared on the screen along with some upbeat holiday-sounding music. My stomach flipped. Oh god.

Hannah, George, Dana and I were squished on the three-seater couch together. Dana’s arm and thigh pressed into me, warm and comforting. I eyed her hand for a moment. I wish I could reach out and grab it. Dana had suggested a few times that we could relax amongst her friends and show some affection. But I couldn’t bring myself to break the rules I’d had in place for my entire life. And was it really worth it, given that, after Christmas, everything would go back to normal?

The opening credits played over aerial footage of rolling hills and countryside that definitely wasn’t from Sapphire Springs...presumably stock footage—I doubted HolLove’s budget extended to drones.

“It’s the farmhouse!” Olivia exclaimed from the armchair, as the footage changed to a ground-level shot of a red car driving up the driveway toward the farmhouse we were currently sitting in.

“And there’s Emily!” Hannah said from the other end of the couch, a Santa hat covering her wavy brown hair.

Everyone cheered as I climbed out of the car and walked toward the house.

It was always a strange sensation watching myself on screen. I’d watched a few minutes of the first episode of Animal Rescue Hospital before turning it off, cringing at my performance. I’d only caught snippets of Harrowgate and I’d point-blank refused to watch the Clique movie. It brought back too many memories of Phillip.

“You okay?” Dana murmured, and I realized I’d tensed my body.

God, I wish I could snuggle into her again, just like earlier in bed. I leaned into her slightly. Everyone was so focused on the movie; surely they wouldn’t notice.

“Yeah, thanks,” I whispered. “It’s always just a bit weird seeing myself.”

“Ohhh! Look, there’s Mihira!” Jenny said.

“Can we put on subtitles so I can follow a bit better, Roz?” Hannah asked, readjusting her Santa hat so it didn’t cover her hearing aid.

Roz picked up the remote and pressed a button.

The screen turned black, and everyone screeched.

“Shit!” Roz fumbled with the remote until Mihira and I reappeared. “Sorry everyone, technical difficulties.” Roz pulled up closed captions and turned them on.

I looked around the room at everyone’s smiling faces focused intently on the cheesy made‑for‑TV movie. Roz in her armchair, out of her usual work clothes for once and in black jeans and a plain green sweater—that was probably her idea of festive dressing. Olivia, sitting next to her in the other armchair, wearing a red-and-green jumpsuit covered in holly and ivy. She’d given me a gorgeous Christmas-themed bouquet earlier, to congratulate me for the movie premiere. Hannah and George squished next to us on the couch, George’s arm around Hannah’s shoulders. George had also brought an incredible-looking red velvet cake decorated with Christmas trees and the words The Christmas Tree Farm to celebrate. And then Blake and Jenny, on the floor in bean bags. Jenny was always so enthusiastic while Blake was warm but significantly more reserved. Despite their differences somehow they complemented each other perfectly. I honestly couldn’t think of a better group of people to watch it with.

And it was, without a doubt, pretty cheesy, but Charles and his post‑production crew had worked miracles on it, especially given the extremely tight turnaround time.

Mihira’s acting was excellent, and I thought maybe I wasn’t too bad, although it was hard to tell. I definitely couldn’t be objective about it.

“Oh my god, here comes the stuck‑in‑a‑tree scene,” I murmured to Dana, letting myself relax a little more against her body.