Page 49 of From LA to London, With Love

As soon as Elliot and I were settled and our drink orders taken, Rose took a deep breath.

“I was wondering how you two would feel if we moved our plans forward? I’m at my wits end at work and don’t think I’ll last to the end of next year like we planned. The partners claim they care about having an inclusive workplace, but all of my initiatives are being shot down because they aren’t willing to commit any time or money. It’s like they just hired me as a box-checking exercise, and now they have their Black, queer diversity and inclusion officer, they aren’t interested in doing anything more.” Rose ran her hand through her short black hair. “Seriously, the other day, one partner suggested that the firm didn’t need to focus on diversity now that fifty percent of employees are female, completely ignoring the fact that only twenty percent of the partners are female, and the majority of women in the firm are junior accountants and assistants—and also that gender diversity is just one form of diversity, and they’re performing pretty badly across the board.” She shook her head in disbelief. Rose had taken a new role in a large accounting firm last year and had been fighting an uphill battle ever since.

Mia and I groaned sympathetically. We’d both had similar experiences and knew how frustrating it could be.

“That really sucks, Rose. How soon are you thinking?” Mia asked.

“How would you feel about a few months? I need to give six weeks’ notice. If you guys were open to it, I’d quit ASAP so I could start getting things set up.”

A few months! My stomach churned with excitement and nerves. Quitting our steady, well-paid jobs to go out on our own was a big risk, especially now I had Elliot to support. While it was a risk I was willing to take, I thought I’d have a bit more time to prepare myself. But I’d been dreading returning to the stuffy law firm, and Rose’s timing would conveniently coincide with when I was due back. And we’d already spent a lot of time planning, so I was fairly confident we could pull it off.

Rose picked her nails as she looked at me and Mia, holding her breath.

“Screw it! Let’s do it,” I said with a big smile. “Mia?”

We both looked at Mia expectantly. Mia was brilliant but suffered from serious imposter syndrome, something Rose and I had been trying to help her with. I hoped it wouldn’t stop her from committing to Rose’s new timetable.

“I’m in too.” Mia clapped her hands, and my shoulders relaxed. “This is so exciting! I can’t believe we’re actually going to do this!”

A niggling worry grew in my mind as our coffees arrived and our conversation turned to practical matters. While I still had no idea what was happening between me and Chris, if we did get together—and that was a big if—would that affect our new business? The worry started to grow even bigger, as I thought about all the ways my relationship with Chris could potentially interfere with things and remembered Erin’s reaction to the news I was bi.

“Is everything okay, Soph? I’m not sure you heard my question.” Mia looked at me with concern, her blue eyes soft.

My silence and aggressive thumbnail chewing had given me away.

I put my hand down and sighed. If I was going to talk to anyone about my worries, Mia and Rose were the best possible people. Not only were they my business partners, and therefore potentially directly affected by this, but they were experts in discrimination—and Rose was bi as well—so they would give me good, well-informed advice.

I took a gulp of coffee, gathering my strength. “Please don’t tell anyone else, but Chris and I sort of hooked up on Saturday night.”

Their eyes widened.

“I’m not sure where this is going. It might be nowhere, or maybe it’ll just be a friends-with-benefits situation, but if we start dating…I’m just not sure it’s the right time to be embarking on a high-profile relationship with a movie star. Our reputations in the industry are pretty crucial to our business being a success, and I’m worried that a relationship with Chris could damage that. People might not take me seriously if there are photos everywhere of me hanging off Muscle Man’s arm. They might see me as some ditzy celebrity side piece.”

“Sophie! Don’t even give a second thought to our business. Do people think Amal Clooney is a ‘ditzy celebrity side piece’ because she married George Clooney?” Rose looked at me sternly and put her coffee cup down on the saucer loud enough to make Elliot look up from his toys with concern. “No! She is a kickass, in demand, human rights lawyer. And you, Sophie Shah, are a kickass diversity and inclusion expert, irrespective of who you date!”

I couldn’t help smiling. “Thanks, Rose. I’m definitely not the Amal Clooney of diversity and inclusion, but I appreciate your support!” My smile faded. “But it’s not just the ditzy side piece that’s worrying me. We agreed that I’d specialize in LGBTQ+ issues, but will people really take me seriously in advocating for LGBTQ+ issues if I’m dating the epitome of a white cis straight man? I mean, he’s famous for playing a character called Muscle Man, for goodness sake! You know what people are like. If I date Chris, they’ll assume I’m straight, which will undermine my credibility speaking on LGBTQ+ matters. Or if they’ll think I’m ‘confused,’ or wildly promiscuous, or something. All those stereotypes about bi women that aren’t exactly seen as positive traits when deciding which diversity and inclusion consulting firm to hire.”

Mia chimed in, leaning forward over her latte. “Soph, one reason we’re doing this is so we can stop working for assholes. So, if anyone is small-minded enough to think these things you’re worried about—which I seriously doubt—and decide not to hire us as a result, then I’m thrilled with that outcome. If anything, it will do us a favor by weeding out some of the assholes in advance! And I’m also happy to educate any of these assholes. Just send them my way!” Mia gave a come-over-here gesture with her hands, an ominous expression on her face. She would definitely set them straight.

Well, not straight exactly…

“Well, okay, you have a point.” I took a deep breath. “But to be honest, it’s not just our business I’m worried about. I’m also nervous about how some of my queer friends—not you two, of course—and other people in the queer community might react. I’m afraid they’ll think I’m selling out by dating a white, privileged, cis guy. You know, I think that’s part of the reason I swore off men. It wasn’t just all the shitty dating experiences. It was also a feeling that each time I date a guy, my ‘queerness’ sort of fades away, and I get a bit of an imposter syndrome. I love being part of the LGBTQ+ community, and I don’t want to jeopardize that.”

Rose looked sympathetic. “I know there is biphobia in both the straight and queer communities, but I don’t think any of your friends will judge you if you date Chris. If they’re true friends, they’ll just want you to be happy, which is what we both want for you.” She looked at Mia, who nodded. “You don’t need to ‘prove’ your queerness to anyone. One of the awesome things about being attracted to more than one gender is that we have more choice. Don’t let societal prejudice limit that.”

“I know you’re right, but I just have a hard time internalizing it. It’s so frustrating, at my age and in my line of work, with supportive family and friends like you two, I still struggle with being bi.” I shook my head. “Seriously, I’ve devoted my life to telling people they should embrace difference in others. I should be able to embrace difference in myself.”

“Why do you think that’s the case, Soph?” Mia asked gently.

I paused, thinking. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s because, growing up, I didn’t know anyone who was bi, and there weren’t any bi people on TV or in the books I read? So, when I was exploring my sexuality in my teens, I spent all my energy trying to work out if I was gay or straight, not seriously considering that I might be bi.” There had been many sleepless nights analyzing my feelings toward my classmates and celebrity crushes. Was I really attracted to men, or had society just programmed me to think I was? Was I actually attracted to my best friend at school, or did I just have a ‘girl crush’—whatever the hell that was—on her, or just want to be her? “Somewhere like Pride House would have definitely helped me work it all out faster. So maybe my hang-ups are a legacy those years of doubting my attraction to both men and women, of thinking that I had to be either gay or straight? Even now, I still shy away from describing myself as ‘bi’.’ I prefer ‘queer,’ partly because it’s kind of vague, and avoid mentioning my history of dating men when I date women.”

I grimaced at Rose, who was proudly bi, expecting her to be horrified. But if she was, she didn’t let on. Instead, she patted my hand.

“I’m sorry you’re still struggling with this, Soph. I’m afraid I don’t have a lot of advice—maybe speaking to a therapist who specializes in LGBTQ issues would help? But I do know that you shouldn’t feel bad if you’re more comfortable with identifying as ‘queer’ rather than ‘bi’ and don’t want to disclose your dating history. That’s entirely up to you.”

Mia chimed in. “And you know, perhaps—only if you’re comfortable, of course—Pride House could be an opportunity for you to be the bi, or queer, role model you never had.” She smiled tentatively.

My chest already felt lighter. “Thank you. You two are the best.” I smiled at them. “I’m sure nothing will end up happening with Chris, but I feel so much better talking it out with you. And that’s an excellent point about being a role model for the teens at Pride House, Mia. I hadn’t thought about it, but I’ll see if I can give a talk about my experiences at the next mentoring evening.”