Page 118 of The New Place

“No, about me, that I—I didn’t visit my mother.”

“You—what?”

“In the hospital,” Abbot whispers. He suddenly feels very, very far away from himself. “When she was sick, I wouldn’t go see her.”

Ned stares at him.

Abbot can barely stand to see it. “It’s an awful thing. She’d ask me to come, and I wouldn’t answer the phone, or I’d leave it at Reto’s⁠—”

“Wait, wait, who’s Reto?”

“Or I used to, when I was younger, I’d tell my father I was with her, and I’d tell her I was still at school and was busy, and I’d go anywhere else than to the hospital. But then when Beverly would come, she’d take me, she’d make me go, she’d walk with me and I’d—” He sucks in a breath. Dimly, he feels Baxter nudge his leg.

“Sweetheart,” Ned says.

“That is what’s wrong,” Abbot says, his voice stronger now. “It’s not you. Not at all, Ned. But you don’t want to know that about me.”

“Abbot—”

“And I was terrible to Beverly, who was nothing but kind to me. The men I was seeing—Ned, I can’t. But it’s not you. I should go. I’m going.”

“No, no, no,” Ned says.

“Please.”

“You were a kid.”

“I wasn’t.” Abbot can hear how sharp his tone is, and waits for it to cut through the softness on Ned’s face. “I was an adult when I was at university, and I was no better.”

“Of course you didn’t want to see your mom sick. And Beverly was there for all of this? Where was your dad?”

Abbot shrugs, one of Ned’s gestures. “Working.”

“Oh,” Ned whispers. “The two of you.”

“What about us?” Abbot asks but no, that’s beside the point entirely. The important thing is that he get up, gather his things, and go get his car. Where he’ll go, he can sort out once he’s on the road and moving. Just not here, with Ned watching him, Abbot’s words still ringing through the small room.

Why did he have to tell all that to Ned?

Because he’s different, Abbot thinks and he would suddenly very much like to throw up.

“Abbot, I love you,” Ned says.

“Don’t.”

“I absolutely won’t stop. Not about this, and not about anything.”

“You ought to.”

“Tough shit,” Ned says. “You were young and scared and hurting.”

“I didn’t go see her, and I should have.”

“Not ever?”

“Not enough.”

“So you did go.”