Page 54 of Smoke and Glitter

I don't take off my coat.

That is the first thing he notices.

"You keeping that on?"

"Yeah."

His hand stays around the bottle.

"Okay."

He waits.

So do I.

This is harder than I thought it would be, not because I don't know what I want to say, but because I know exactly what I want him to say back.

Sam leans one hip against the counter. "What's going on?"

I look at him.

At the man who knows all the little details about me. How I take my coffee, who keeps my creamer in his refrigerator and space for my things beside his sink. The one who told me I could come here and just be me whether I was okay or not.

I need that man to exist right now.

"Tell me what this is. What is this between us? What am I to you?"

Something in his expression tightens, small enough that I might have missed it if I were not watching him this closely.

"Autumn."

"No." I shake my head before he can turn my name into an answer. "Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Make me feel like I'm asking something impossible."

"I'm not doing that."

"You are, Sam."

I pull my hands from my pockets because they're getting damp inside them and immediately wish I hadn't. There is nowhere to put them that doesn't make me look nervous.

So I fold my arms instead.

"I don't need some giant declaration, Sam. I'm not asking you to plan the rest of your life tonight. I just need you to tell me what I am to you."

His gaze drops for a second.

"You know what you are to me."

My throat tightens.

"No. I know how you act when we're alone."

He looks back at me.

"That's not the same thing."