Page 67 of Never the Same

Was he remembering when he’d held on to me there? Because I was. A rush of desire pooled between my legs at the mere thought of that exchange on Sunday. At least I now had a few new memories flying around in my head to think back on, since I was missing almost thirty-five years of my life.

“Everything okay?” I hesitantly asked, worried about broaching the subject of his parents. I licked my salty lips, nerves tangling me up again.

“She wants me to visit my, uh, dad. She doesn’t get that I can’t just drop everything whenever she calls.”

“Does she know what you really do?”

He frowned, then shocked me by actually answering. “No. Just that it pays much better than the army. I got out because . . .” He propped his hand on the sauna door, muscle flexing.

I didn’t press or poke. I remained a good girl. If he wanted to tell me about his past, that was his choice. He’d asked me not to do that, and so I’d behave, even if I was dying to know more about him.

“Bills don’t stop,” he said, his voice low. “Even when you’re overseas fighting someone else’s wars. You come home and the battles are waiting. Debt. Family. All of it.” He exhaled through his nose. “Ryder offered me a position at Delta Shield a few years back, and so I didn’t re-up. Took the job hoping it’d ease the burden of the back-home stuff.”

“And did it?” I couldn’t help but ask.

He lifted his shoulder, a nonanswer.

“You did it for your parents. To help them despite—”

“Despite hating both of them, yeah.” His throat flexed, but instead of getting mad at me for violating his no-talking-about-his-past rule, he continued, choosing to share more of himself. “They’ve always needed bailing out. Debt. Spending money they don’t have. Even before I was paying for my dad’s treatments and his facility this year, they bled me dry.”

“You really are a hero, aren’t you?” I stepped forward and palmed his cheek. I had to let him know I was there for him, and if I hadn’t been before, well, screw that me. I’m here now.

His eyes snapped to mine like I’d just rocked the boat and triggered the calm peace that’d been happening between us. “I’m not. Just a guy cleaning up after two people who had no business being parents.” The gravel in his voice gutted me.

He caught my wrist, and my thumb grazed his lower lip before he pulled my hand away, returning it to my towel. “Don’t let that fall.”

I obeyed his request. “I’m so sorry.” For what he went through, for asking questions again, for all of it. For not remembering our past, even if it was allegedly a rocky-ish one.

He walked back, his arm returning to his side. He nearly tripped over Ranger, muttering a curse.

“Don’t forget, it took years to make you who you are now,” I said, unable to tame my tongue. It was like trying to roll a boulder up Everest. Impossible. “Your past shaped you, too.” I stepped closer, the towel clinging to me, sweat still dripping down my skin, and I didn’t care.

“Don’t use my words on me. That’s different.”

But is it?

“I can’t do this. I couldn’t on Sunday, and I don’t know why I thought I could do it now.” He shook his head, body visibly tensing. “You don’t know me, not the real me.” He brought a hand to his chest for emphasis. “I’m no saint. No hero. Not special. A nobody.”

His stare tangled with mine, fierce as he demanded I believe what I never would. His words from Sunday hit me hard all over again, right along with my mother’s despicable comment about him.

Oh God, you don’t think you’re good enough for me, do you? Who made you feel this way? I bit my tongue, nearly drawing blood as I refrained from speaking my thoughts out loud this time.

“But you?” he went on. “You’re everything.”

His voice was so stripped down and raw, the pain of his past right between us. I couldn’t remember mine, but I could feel his like it was something tangible I could reach for.

“I’m not that husband, that father, from your dream. That’s just a fantasy, Hollis.” His breath fanned across my skin as he leaned closer, our noses nearly touching. “And in the real world? For people like me?” He faked a dark laugh, righting his posture. “Dreams are only an illusion. Just when you think you can have whatever you want . . . it’s taken from you.”

Chapter Twenty-Four

Reed

I let the sun beat down on me, tilting my chin up like Superman soaking power from the rays, hoping a little vitamin D could burn away what Hollis had done to me this morning. Like had me opening up, making me feel things I had no business feeling.

I’d blown my own rules to hell, and it had nothing to do with her being only in a towel. She was irresistible. Always had been, always would be. Fake hate and my three-foot rule didn’t change that.

At the sound of the back door opening and shutting, I pretended it was only the ghost of my past coming to haunt me.