Page 65 of Black Ledger

I turned the doorknob and looked back at her, and as I did, I was hit by the memory of the time Gemma took my IUD out after giving me a full-body exam and some of the worst news of my life. I faltered and pressed my head to the door, my eyes closed. When I opened them, I looked back at my therapist and swallowed.

“That’s what you came in to talk about.” Emma nodded knowingly.

“Yes,” I whispered. “I have been getting debilitating flashbacks.”

“I see.”

I sighed and turned my whole body back to her. “I can’t have this happening. I’m supposed to go to the Russian compound tomorrow and hack Severin’s system to help him find the mole in his camp.”

“And you can’t have your flashbacks getting in your way.” Emma’s eyes tracked back to the couch, inviting me to sit back down. “I see you prefer doorknob therapy today.”

Apparently, I tended to drop the biggest therapeutic bombs at the end of all our sessions. Emma called that doorknob therapy.

I laughed and sat back down. “Yes, I guess so.”

“Well, good for us; I never schedule anyone after you now.”

“I guess that makes you a good therapist, anticipating your client’s needs.”

Emma said nothing. She just waited for me to go on with the bomb I had dropped. “The other day, at the cocktail party where I got engaged, I had a flashback to seeing the footage of my sister while I was being held at the compound.”

“Are felicitations in order for your engagement?” Emma asked jokingly, then returned to being serious. “But that wasn’t the only flashback?”

“Right,” I said. “You know how purple is a trigger for me?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I think I discovered another one.”

Emma nodded.

“Fluorescent lights.”

“Fluorescent lights,” Emma repeated.

“I was visiting the hospital with Gemma and Niamh, and I had a flashback.” I wrung my hands and stared at them. “Well, I had a lot of them. I flashed through a lot of my memories of college, before…”

I trailed off, and Emma waited for me, holding the space. I told her all the memories I could, and we talked about them and how they made me feel for roughly another forty minutes.

“I guess I’m just afraid that remembering all of the before times is going to cloud what I need to do.” I clutched one of the throw pillows and played with the fringe.

“Which is?”

“First, discover all the members inside the Russian mafia involved with and protecting the Lethean Order, and then excavate them all.”

Emma cocked her head. “Even Severin?”

“Especially him. Come on, Emma, you know exactly why I have to kill Severin.”

She rubbed her chin. “Yes, but do you know why?”

I sighed and glowered at her. “My revenge isn’t just about me. It’s about all the women and men the Order kidnaps, tortures, and kills.”

“And you worry if you keep having these flashbacks, you won’t be able to do your job.”

“Exactly,” I said. “Do you think they could have something to do with my, uh… condition?”

I hated saying the real words because they made it too real, but I couldn’t avoid the truth anymore.