Page 116 of Fall Over You

“I was irresponsible too! It’s not like Dusty was a saint.”

“He wasn’t,” Tyler agrees. “But it wouldn’t have been right.”

“You didn’t want me,” I try, a desperate attempt to make this all make sense. “You told CJ we couldn’t share.”

Tyler looks at the ground between us and slowly raises his gaze. “I couldn’t share you.”

My voice is meek. “What does that mean?”

“There’s sharing for a night, but I knew I felt more than that. You were more than somebody I could enjoy and go back to business,” he says. “Being with you would have wrecked me.”

I’m stunned. Everything I’ve believed for the last several years is turned on its head.

“So when you said you always wanted me?”

“I did. I did always want you.” This has turned lung-crushingly intense. I don’t know how to process what he’s saying, but he keeps going. “Do you remember the first night I got together with CJ?”

“We almost kissed. It was almost us.” My lower lip starts to tremble. “You looked at me.”

He pinches his lips together and nods. “I wanted it to be you. But I put all those feelings on hold.”

“But even after she was gone, you . . . you cut me out. You avoided me. You told Dusty not to talk about me.”

“Because of what she told me you said. I thought you didn’t want Ellie. I thought you made CJ doubt herself.”

I shake my head, looking between us. “I didn’t want Ellie to get hurt. I wanted her, and CJ, to have a chance.”

“I know that now,” he says. “It all happened so fast. A few months in, she was pregnant and I just wanted to make sure I was a good dad. Then, you know the rest.”

I flash back to that time I try so often to forget. CJ and I were both big on partying, but she fell prey to it. I only dabbled in blow and ecstasy now and then. She started seeking harder stuff. I tried to stop her, but she couldn’t stop. Then she got pregnant and got clean, but fell right back in again. Before she left town, I heard she was using heroin. It’s a common story. Get put on pain pills for something, get taken off them, try to replace them and keep going deeper each time. It’s a common story. Get put on pain pills for something, get taken off them, try to replace them and keep going deeper each time.

“I hate that she went through that. That you did. That she shut me out when all I wanted was to help.”

Tyler’s jaw jumps. “I hate the time that we lost.”

“I do too. But I can’t think that way. We already lost too much.” I wince. “When did you buy the car back?”

“Not long after she left. I wanted to remember that night, before everything got messed up. I was still pissed at you, but . . . I’ve spent all this time chasing how you made me feel.”

“When you got me from the Denton house? The baseball bat night?”

Tyler nods. “Nothing has ever come close to what I felt for you that night. Like you were this precious thing to protect. Like it was my honor that you called me.”

Tyler’s pinky skims along the outside of mine and I want to cry. He didn’t touch me that night, just a tiny brush of his pinky like this, a brush that somehow held more gravity than sex or drugs or any other high I was after back then.

His voice is all gravel and eggshells. “Why did you call me that night, Becca?”

I taste salt and the crying potential is high. “I felt safe with you. I knew you’d be there.”

His fingers lace with mine and he squeezes, hard. “I still will. I want to, if you’ll let me. I’ll be here for all of it. Just like you’re here for me and Ellie. We’ve got it all now. We can be a family.”

“I want that.” A clog comes loose somewhere in my chest, and I let out the thing I’ve been holding onto for fear I’d scare him off. “I want to be Ellie’s mom.”

Tyler springs forward and wraps me in the tightest hug. “God, Becca, you have no idea what that means to me. I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” I whimper. “I love her. I love how much my life has changed in the last few months.”

“God, has it only been months?” He laughs, holding me back by my shoulders. “It feels like it’s been forever.”