Page 1 of Doubting Hearts

Chapter One

TOBY

I LOOKED down at the man I straddled, feeling grim satisfaction at the expression on his face.

Trevor is bloody terrified.

Normally when I sat across his hips we were making love, but this time, no one could mistake the look on his face for one of passion. “If you try to hit me again, I will kill you,” I enunciated slowly. “You crossed a line, and now there’s no going back.” My hands curled into tight fists at my sides, my heart beating fiercely in my chest with the adrenaline high. I tasted blood in my mouth from the punch he’d thrown at me.

Trevor looked up at me, his face pale. “Christ, Toby, get the hell off me, you bastard.” His high-pitched voice was strained. I knew that was because I’d just kneed him in the balls. The man might be singing soprano for a while to come. I shifted off him, standing gingerly, fingering my jaw. Trevor was a big man, and he packed a powerful wallop. He grasped his damaged bollocks, curling into a fetal ball. I left him lying in his small, ornately furnished lounge and walked into the kitchen. I opened the freezer, took out some ice cubes, and packed them into a tea towel. I held the cold pack against the already-swelling flesh of jaw and lips, hissing at the sting. Someone entered behind me, and I turned, ready to defend myself again. My soon-to-be-ex boyfriend of only six weeks stood in the doorway. His face was drawn with pain, and the look in his eyes was not pleasant.

“You hurt me, you psycho. Christ, I should have known better than to get involved with someone like you.”

My insides churned at the sneer in his voice. “Someone like me?

What’s that supposed to mean?” But I thought I knew.

Trevor laughed harshly. “A foster kid who lived on the bloody streets and did God knows what with who knows who.”

“Whom,” I said quietly.

He frowned. “Huh?”

“If you’re going to fucking insult me, Trev, then at least be grammatically correct.” I have a tendency sometimes to make bad situations worse through what I think is clever use of my snark. Trevor decided he wasn’t a fan. He moved over to me quickly, his hand raised.

He must have seen the look on my face because he stopped and lowered his hand. “You think you’re so clever, Toby. You didn’t have to kick me in the balls like that.” His voice was a mix of aggrieved hurt and suppressed violence.

I looked at him in disbelief. “You punched me across the room, Trevor, because you thought I was having it off with the boy from the coffee shop. You threatened to ‘ram your fist down my throat and fuck me till I was blue.’ Your exact words. You can surely see I might not like that scenario?”

He grunted. “You were being mouthy, as usual. And you can’t tell me you don’t fancy little Brett. You and he are always flirting with each other.”

I shook my head in stupefaction. “He’s only nineteen years old, for God’s sake! Far too young for me, and besides, I had you, remember?” He squinted his eyes at the use of the past tense. “And yes, we flirt, but we both know it’s not going anywhere.” I laid the ice pack down in the sink, moving toward the door. Trevor stepped in front of the doorway, blocking me.

“Trev, let me out,” I said. “We both know this is over. I won’t let any man knock me about like you just did.”

Trevor sneered again. “God, you are so far up your own arse, Toby.

It was just this one time. And you made me do it.”

“One time is too many.” I stood in front of him, holding my ground. Trevor was a bully, and I’d learned most times if you stood up for yourself, they’d back down. “It’s best we just part ways now. I don’t need a jealous arsehole as a boyfriend, even if the pickings in town are lean. I’d rather do without, thanks.” I held his gaze, and finally his eyes slid away. He moved slightly to one side. I brushed past on my way to the lounge, half expecting him to hit me from behind. I picked up my jacket from the back of the chair and slung it over my shoulder. There was very little of me in his flat, even though we’d spent quite a bit of time there. We hadn’t graduated to me keeping a spare toothbrush in the bathroom, or extra clothes. I rarely stayed the whole night anyway, preferring to walk the half mile up the road back to my own place. My apartment room at the hotel I worked at wasn’t suited to booty-call visits. I liked to keep my private life separate from work.

“I’m probably better off without you anyway,” he said vindictively. “There’s loads of blokes who’d like me to bend them over and give them one.” He waved dismissively. “And you weren’t that great in the sack anyway.”

I ignored his attempts to piss me off as I made my way to the front door. My lip stung, my jaw ached, and all I wanted to do was get home, take a painkiller, and fall into bed.

It was almost 9:00 p.m., so I’d even have time to watch True Blood before I went to sleep. As I opened the door, I turned to face him.

“Stay away from me, Trevor,” I said as I stepped out into the corridor. “Let’s just make this a clean break with no drama. I’m sure you’ll find some poor sod to take my place soon enough.”

His eyes narrowed. “You bet I will. And don’t worry. I wash my hands of you. I’ve got better things to do.”

I nodded. “Good. Then we understand each other.” I left, closing the door behind me. For a minute, I leaned against the wall, my eyes closed as I took a few deep breaths. Then finally, I walked down the short flight of stairs to the street below, headed for home.

* * *

ABOUT A month later I had another little contretemps. Mercury must have been in retrograde. I’d never realized what it felt like to be “at the end of my tether” before. I knew the expression, having looked it up in an idle moment once when I was bored. The Cambridge Dictionary defined it as “having no strength or patience left,” and UsingEnglish.com said it was “to be at the limit of your patience or endurance.” Both of these phrases were true. Personally, I preferred “fucked off beyond all restraint and ready to kill.”

I gritted my teeth, my jaw aching as the little old lady in front of me waved bejeweled and gnarly fingers in front of my face. I wanted to bite them off one by one, watching as they fell in little white and bloody strips onto the very expensive carpeting we stood on. The hotel owner wouldn’t like that one little bit. Not the fact I’d bitten her fingers off but the fact that the blood may stain his carpeting. He was no fan of Esther either.