Page 50 of Asystole

A sad smile crosses Hanlon’s face. “You’re right. I miss them. I miss you. I wish I were there for Christmas cuddles.”

In the background, Stone shouts, “I can hear you, ya know.”

Hanlon laughs and yells over his shoulder. “Possessive fucker. Mind your business,” before turning back to face Chase. “So, who’s taking my place?”

Chase angles the camera toward my face.

“Oh, uh, hey Logan,” Hanlon says. “Chase, are you and he…” he trails off, not knowing how to finish that sentence.

Chase laughs.

“Relax, Han. It’s a long story, but we’re making living together a permanent thing,” he says, not really explaining anything.

“Liiiiike…” Hanlon tries again.

“Like roommates,” I finish, twisting Chase’s hand so my face enters the frame again. “Chase’s other roommate has a surprise baby on the way and needed the space and asked if Chase could find somewhere else to go,” I explain.

In the background, I hear the unmistakable sound of Stone’s voice as he asks, “What about Logan?”

It’s amazing how deceitful our brains can be. Wishful thinking has me hearing concern in Stone’s voice that obviously isn’t there. Nonetheless, hearing my name come from his mouth, even if I can’t see it, is another arrow piercing the tattered pieces of my heart.

Hanlon answers Stone. “He and Chase are roommates now,” before returning his attention to Chase once again. “Anyway, how’d you get him to agree to cuddles?”

“Well, Hanny,” Chase starts with a grin. “Like you, he’s gay. So, it didn’t take much convincing.”

I snort, grateful for the levity of the moment.

“Geez, Chase. Just make us all sound like horndogs, why don’t you?” I tease, poking him between his ribs.

Chase turns his face up at me with a wince.

“No, that’s not what I mea⁠—”

Chase is interrupted by Stone before he can finish his sentence. It’s been four years since I’ve seen his face. The man who couldn’t be bothered to give me a chance despite my being willing to do whatever it took to make him happy, and suddenly, here he is on the tiny screen in Chase’s hand. My whole body goes tense in anticipation of the wave of pain I know is coming.

I want to tear my eyes away, but I can’t.

“You sure you aren’t gay, Matthews?” Stone says, resting his chin on Hanlon’s shoulder as his arms snake around Hanlon’s waist. “I’ve never known a straight man to love cuddling as much as you do.”

“Are you shaming me, Addario? Because if I remember correctly, you still don’t think you’re gay even though you’re engaged to a man,” Chase fires back.

“Okay, guys,” Hanlon says, turning to place a hand on Stone’s chest. “Can we go back to you two getting along?”

The simple act guts me.

I mean, of course, Hanlon touches Stone. Probably all the time. But usually, I don’t have to bear witness to it. I don’t have to see someone else’s hand feel the heartbeat I never got to touch.

A strangled noise escapes my lips, and Chase tilts his head to look up at me.

So does everyone else in the frame.

“Hey, Logan,” Stone says, finally acknowledging me, making my ears ring. Whatever this is I feel for him is worse than love. It’s painful obsession. It’s loss. It’s all-consuming and inescapable. It’s the land of what-ifs and could-have-beens. It’s the chance I never got, and somehow, seeing him now makes it feel like the distance and time apart have only amplified the toxicity of my feelings.

Seeing his face has my guts twisting, my heart stopping, and my lungs constricting.

“Hi.” It comes out as a whispered exhale because that’s all I have.

I feel Chase’s weight shift against my stomach, but my eyes stay glued to the screen and the man still on it.