Page 40 of A Little Bit Uncertain

He took the banana off the top of his desk, that was clearly his breakfast or snack, and we walked the couple of blocks to the shore through the park. It was a beautiful spring morning, and the sun was peeking through the cloud canopy, warming the world up. Donovan was right. I was already feeling more balanced as we hit the path right next to the sand, and I was looking at the sun glittering on the water.

“You okay?” He broke the silence.

Normally, people talk to me about things. It’s not often those roles were reversed, and I certainly don’t open up to people who aren’t in my tightest inner circle. But something about him made me feel so at ease that I found myself unloading. “I am just having so many feelings right now. I feel sick for this little boy who is just not getting better. His father, Joe, has been horrible to me almost the entire time they’ve been in and out of the hospital. Which, on some level, I get. We have not been treating him the right way, and I’ve been saying that to my uppers, but it had fallen on deaf ears. I thought he might physically assault me today after that sweet boy coded.”

Donovan stopped and turned to me. “What do you mean, almost physically assaulted you?”

“I mean, he didn’t, but he was approaching me and was almost trancelike, slinging insults at me. I’ve never seen anything like it before. Sure, you hear the horror stories of people in the hospital snapping, but no one I know has ever personally experienced it. It was always a friend-of-a-friend kind of thing. Multiple times, I’ve asked the charge nurse to not assign me to him because the dad has taken up using me as a verbal punching bag, and I don’t know if it’s because I’m a woman or younger…”

There was a darkness on his face and in his eyes that I hadn’t seen. “Why didn’t the charge nurse move you when you asked?”

I shrugged, “Low seniority? She knows I won’t make waves? I don’t know. We are perpetually short-staffed. I mean, yesterday, I wasn’t even supposed to be there. I had picked up a shift.”

“Can you file a complaint or something?”

I laughed at his question. “Against my charge nurse? No. That would be way too many waves.”

“So what happened? Did he just back off?”

“Not exactly. A co-worker of mine stood in front of me and told him to walk, or he’d be arrested.”

“That’s a lot, Audra.”

“Don’t I know it,” I shrugged, trying to have my voice come across as more weightless than I felt.

“No wonder you were feeling that way when you came in this morning. Shit, that is not a good morning. Or night. I’m not sure how you overnight nurses define time with those shifts. Are you going to go back?”

“Like to my job?” I looked at him quizzically. “Like, go back to my place of employment, who pays me money to support myself? Yeah, I kind of have to. I don’t have a Plan B,” I laughed. I wish I could just not go back, a voice in my head whispered.

“Yeah, sorry, that was a weird thing to say.” He said sheepishly.

We resumed walking, and I ended up getting Donovan to take his shoes off with me and walk in the sand. Something about the cool sand and the texture of it under my feet felt better than it normally did. Grounding perhaps. It was also comical to watch this man in his ridiculously expensive custom suit and shoes that probably cost more than what I make in a week, getting messy. He didn’t hesitate to do it, though, so kudos to him for that. We walked farther than I expected we would, him holding the line in the sand and me creeping into the lapping water and back.

“I have been single-minded that nursing was it for me after the accident because those nurses saved not only my life, they saved me, if that makes sense.” I offered, breaking the comfortable silence we had fallen into again. “And now, I’ve only been doing it for almost four years, and I’m wondering if I made a mistake. I mean, I know I’m good at it. But it’s such a heavy emotional toll, and I’m struggling to leave it at work, you know?”

“Honestly, no, I can’t imagine what that kind of constant emotional investment is like, Audra. After watching you at the bar and on the street, it’s crystal clear how extraordinary you are at your job, but if you’re struggling with the other piece, maybe it’s time you let yourself explore other options too. But what do I know? I could be way off base here.”

I nodded my head. It’s like Donovan crawled up into my head and verbalized what I had been too scared to say out loud. But that was so much easier said than done. There was no backup plan.

“Yeah, I don’t know. Up until this walk, today has sucked. But trying to figure out my life’s current existential crisis isn’t helping me lean into the calm right now,” I laughed. “So let’s pivot here. Tell me about the resort. What things do you have planned, Mr. Roast Marshmallows Over Lava? I bet they’re going to be great.” At that, I let myself become engrossed in all the brilliant ideas Donovan had in the pipeline for Quest, and it ended up being a perfect distraction.