Page 35 of Master of Himself

Could he leave Jane behind so easily? He would like to think not—but if he continued on this same path, he would prove Darcy right. How could he live with himself knowing he had cast aside a such a beautiful, gentle soul? Only the greatest beast in nature could contemplate anything so heartless.

But what was to be done? He was powerless to do anything until he had returned to his true form. Pursuing Jane as the formidable Fitzwilliam Darcy would be scandalous and cruel. His highest priority had to be solving his present affliction, and he had to devote every possible moment to that pursuit.

As he watched the flames flicker in the grate, he wondered how much longer the solution would evade him.

Chapter 13

Sunday 17 November

During the homily at Sunday Services, Darcy couldn’t resist stealing a fleeting glance or two at Elizabeth. Although he admired her, he wasn’t foolish enough to be caught watching her, but he couldn’t deny that he missed being in her company. This revelation had taken him by surprise. Those three days had been the best since he had arrived at Netherfield – that is, if one didn’t consider the fact that he was trapped in another man’s body.

He had enjoyed sitting beside her at meals, watching her quietly read and embroider, listening to her play pianoforte. Her smiles, her gentle manner, her soft blushes, her bewitching eyes.

Dear Lord. Instead of pining for a woman well beyond his reach, he ought to be praying for deliverance from his present difficulties. What’s more, he ought to apply himself more fully to the problem at hand. He would have no chance of attaining any goals to which he might aspire without resuming his true form.

He could never take a wife or have a family of his own; it would be fraudulent to marry with a false name. He couldn’t spend time with his family or celebrate the holidays with them. What fate would befall his estates if he were unable to see to their upkeep? Would he have to rely on Georgiana to ensure that Pemberley didn’t fall into ruin? He’d never thought to prepare her for such an eventuality.

He was jolted from these dark thoughts when the entire congregation stood to recite a prayer. He quickly joined them, chiding himself for allowing his mind to wander and imagining the worst possible outcome.

After Services, he followed Charles, who greeted the other parishioners by name. How he managed to recall all their names, Darcy couldn’t fathom. Naturally, he recalled the Bennets and the Lucases, the two prominent families in the community. He also knew the officers’ names with ease, since he had recently dined with them, but most of the other names escaped him.

“Good morning, Mr and Mrs Goulding,” Charles said, deftly identifying the couple for Darcy.

“We enjoyed having you at Haye Park a fortnight ago, Mr Darcy,” Mr Goulding said, shaking Charles’s hand.

“You recall Mr and Mrs Harrington, don’t you, Charles?” Bingley said, gesturing to the couple.

Although Darcy recalled dining with the family recently, he wouldn’t have remembered their names without Charles’s assistance.

Charles continued in this same vein with other neighbours, saving Darcy the embarrassment of forgetting their names. However, when it came to the merchants’ names, Darcy was at a complete loss. When the green grocer, the milliner, and the dry goods proprietor greeted him, all he could do was bow and smile in Charles’s amiable manner, while pressing on towards the door.

Naturally, Caroline and Louisa ignored everyone except Jane Bennet.

Charles appeared overjoyed to be near his favourite. “I hope you are fully restored to good health, Miss Bennet,” he said with far more enthusiasm than Darcy would have preferred.

Jane offered a polite smile. “Thank you, Mr Darcy, I am much improved.”

“And you must be relieved to be back home, Miss Elizabeth,” Darcy said.

“Indeed, we both—”

“Oh, Mr Bingley,” Mrs Bennet said, barging into the group and curtsying grandly. “How grateful we are for your tender care of our dear Jane. As you see, she is nearly restored to her full beauty.”

Yes, matchmaking is definitely on her agenda, Darcy thought. “We are all delighted, Mrs Bennet,” he said, knowing Charles would have said something to that effect.

Once outside, Sir William Lucas greeted him with his usual jovial reserve. “A fine morning, is it not?”

Darcy despaired at the threatening grey clouds overhead for failing to serve their proper function. If they had done what God intended, everyone would be dashing off to their conveyances to avoid being drenched rather than casually socialising with the other parishioners.

Mrs Long brought her two nieces forward and repeated their names with such frequency that Darcy couldn’t help but remember them. Unfortunately, he doubted he would be able to recall which was Julia and which was Lavinia.

“You remember Mr Robinson, of course,” Sir William said, gesturing to an elderly man leaning on a walking stick.

Darcy vaguely recalled speaking to the man at the assembly.

Mrs Finch proclaimed her delight in their patronage at the Meryton Inn yesterday. “Two more distinguished gentlemen have never been seen in our coffee room.”

When Mr Fletcher thanked him for his frequent orders from his butcher shop, Darcy shook the man’s hand and thanked him for his excellent service.