Page 43 of Your Pace Or Mine

“It’s temporary.” I pull back and pretend to be interested in an old Deep Purple album. “Until I find Mr. Right.”

She looks skeptical, and it riles me up a little. It’s all well and good for her to look down on our hookups when she’s combining family photo albums with Cal and hanging out with his parents. I open my mouth to say something, but she speaks first.

“Do you think you’re going to recognize your true love when your mind is full of Sebastian?”

Before I can answer, I see the corner of her mouth twitch, and I instantly know what she’s thinking. “Or rather⁠—”

“Don’t go there.”

She snorts. “Or something else is full of Sebastian.”

“You’re the worst,” I cry, my resentment evaporating all at once. I don’t know why it’s so funny, but we howl with laughter, tears running down our faces. I’ve missed this.

We keep making stupid dirty jokes until Cal comes home to find us giggling on the floor like middle school girls at a sleepover.

“So, tell me everything about this benefits thing,” Tess whispers conspiratorially. We’re in the corner of the table at Cal and Laurel’s birthday dinner on Friday. I’m hoping everyone is distracted by their tapas because I don’t want this to turn into a group discussion.

I glance around. Stevie and her husband Andy are deeply engrossed in conversation with Cal, while Laurel and Jason are laughing about something. He’s probably telling another wild hookup story.

“What do you want to know?” I ask, keeping my tone light. I loosely hinted at a friends-with-benefits arrangement in a text thread with Tess, and I gather she’s been waiting until today to grill me. I’m not sure how much I want to talk about my sex life, but it’s certainly better than thinking about Clint. I’ve had nightmares all week of his face twisted up in anger and woken up sweaty and tempted to call Sebastian to make me feel better. Not to mention I panic every time I even open the singles app, so my unconventional relationship with Sebastian is not the worst conversation topic. I relay the whole arrangement as briefly as possible while everyone around us is busy chatting.

“I don’t know, Ash,” Tess says, leaving me disappointed because Tess of all people knows what the dating scene is like. I thought she’d champion this development.

“Why not?” I reply, trying not to let my annoyance show. Can’t my friends be on my side about this? “You’re the one who said you’d hook up with him, so why shouldn’t I go for it?”

“That’s different.” She shrugs. “I don’t know him, so a fling is no big deal. I’m fine with a booty call kind of relationship, but it’s more complicated when you’re real friends instead of casual acquaintances. I’ve seen friends with benefits go sour.”

In the back of my mind, this makes perfect sense, but I can’t delve into it too deeply. I want to believe our friendship will make it out unscathed. We’re different. We have rules.

“It’s just so lonely sometimes.” I didn’t mean for that to slip out of my mouth. I glance around and am relieved no one but Tess seems to have heard me. I don’t need the happy couples hearing how sad my nights are.

“But you’ve been dating all those men. Surely some of them are good for something,” Tess replies with a conspiratorial expression.

I let out a sigh. Going out with so many men has made dating feel like a never-ending job interview. I wish I had more juicy details to share.

“You’d think so, but I haven’t had enough chemistry with any of them to want something more at the end of the night.”

Not like Sebastian. He seems to have no problem finding women to spend his nights with, not that I’ve been tracking it. My heart rate rises as I wonder if the problem is me. That I’m not in the right headspace to meet anyone because I’m already thinking about my next date. They’ll have to wow me to hold my interest, and the last guy who piqued my interest was Clint. Look how that turned out.

“Ugh, online dating, right?” Tess moans. “Even with the hot ones, I’m like, ‘But are they serial killers?’ I don’t want to go back to their place and get murdered, but then I don’t want to have them over because then they’ll know where I live if they want to murder me. It’s a classic dilemma.”

Tess listens to way too many true crime podcasts.

“Yes, of course, because if you’d met them at the store, you’d know exactly whether they were serial killers or not.”

“I might get a vibe.”

“All I’m saying,” I add, “is that the nights are lonely, and it’s not the worst thing in the world to have someone to fool around with whom I at least trust not to murder me in my sleep.”

This is, of course, the moment when both Stevie and Laurel turn in our direction.

Stevie’s mouth drops in horror. “Girls, you gotta raise that bar a tiny bit higher.”

“Welcome to dating in your thirties!” Tess replies, raising her glass, and we both laugh dryly.

I distract everyone from my depressing view on love by proposing a birthday toast. “To Laurel and Cal who are most definitely not going to murder each other in their sleep! Happy birthday!”

I laugh and smile through the rest of our meal, hoping no one notices that my mind is still lingering on what I said to Tess about the loneliness of being on my own.