Page 40 of Hero of Havoc

That all changes tonight, though. After our chat earlier in the week, we came to the conclusion that tonight is all about forgetting, and next week, on the actual anniversary of her mother’s passing, we will do something to remember her by.

So, the plan for an epic girls’ night is on the cards, and with my mother’s visit a distant memory, I’m more than ready to let my hair down and embrace the hype. But those are the plans for tonight, and my sorry butt chose to wake up far too early this morning.

Right now, it's me, the familiar four walls of my room, and the desire to do something that's for me. If my friend needs me, I need to be at my best, fully fueled with energy to pour into her, and to do that, I need to feed my soul first.

It would help if I knew what that actually looked like.

Freshly showered, dressed, and fed, I pace back and forth by the window, searching for a miracle answer to my predicament.

The mid-morning sun warms my room, encouraging me to face it. Tilting my head back, I let the rays wash over me, and I’m reminded that the first time my mother was here, she mumbled that it was a phoenix thing.

Maybe I just need to go outside, charge myself up, and be my best self.

Before I can consider getting my shoes on, my gaze falls to the desk before me, black cursive writing capturing my attention.

My to-do list.

I reach for it instinctively, bringing it to the edge of the wood as I read each line.

I want to find myself.

I want to control my fire without setting myself on fire.

I want to feel a sense of pride in being a phoenix.

I want to make my father pay for what he did to me.

I want to whoop Teddy’s butt at fencing.

I want to fly on a dragon.

I want to find my place in the world without my parents’ control.

I want to love so hard it hurts.

I want to see more than what my sheltered life has confined me to.

I want to forgive but not forget.

I should give this attention. This is exactly what I need right now.

I should focus on a part of me that is for no one else, not tangled up in heritage and drama, lies, secrets, and revelations.

Just me.

Apparently, the sun has recharged me enough to latch onto something.

I want to find myself.

I don’t think I’m going to achieve that until I tick everything else off this list, and even then, I may find another list of ten things to do. Finding myself is such a broad spectrum; I need to narrow it down further than that.

I want to control my fire without setting myself on fire.

That’s important. I feel like it also requires assistance, and I want to make myself feel all good on my own. But I make a mental note to consider asking Archer about it. Maybe Dorian. Just not Silas. Despite how bad I feel for him, I don’t want to unnecessarily rock the boat I call life right now. There are enough waves to contend with as it is.

I want to feel a sense of pride in being a phoenix.

My stomach knots at the words.