Page 109 of Manhattan Kiss

“You can never have too many snacks,” Avril says. “This used to be my apartment when I first moved out of my brother’s place.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“I loved it.”

“It’s great,” I say. “Near the subway, although I haven’t used it much.”

“Have you done much exploring?” Poppy asks, pulling dips and crisps and drinks and god knows what else out of the bag that seems to have no bottom.

“Not really. I think I’ve been so caught up in work and in…you know, Deacon. But I’m going to make these last few weeks count.”

“Have you heard from him at all?” Poppy asks.

I shake my head. “I won’t. He’s a devoted father, and he won’t do anything that might upset his daughter.”

“That’s why things ended? The kid didn’t like you?” Avril’s eyes are wide. She’s clearly invested.

“No, not at all. I met Willow. She’s lovely. But his ex is pregnant and getting married. They’re changing the custody arrangements. He’s worried that there’s too much going on to add anything else into the mix.”

“Like a girlfriend?” Poppy asks.

I shrug.

“So if you two didn’t have a fight or anything, did he leave the door open?”

“He knows I’m going back to the UK in a few weeks.”

“But if you weren’t, then maybe in time, things could work out between you two.” When I go to say something, she holds up her hand to stop me. “I know I sound like I’m being selfish and giving you a reason to hope. I don’t mean to. I just mean that if you did stay, maybe things could work out.”

“I don’t think so,” I say. They don’t need to know about my fertility struggles, about how I wouldn’t ever be able to give Deacon or Willow a family that they both deserve, even in the unlikely event that Deacon could see his way through the current changes, even if he could let Willow out from the ivory tower where he likes to keep her.

There are too many ifs. Too many buts. And I don’t want to be waiting around for a guy to notice me. I did that for too many years with Ryder. And even though I was a kid then, and the way I felt about Ryder was just some silly crush compared to what I feel for Deacon, I don’t want to keep repeating my mistakes. I no longer want to orbit someone else’s life. I don’t want my life to be all about fitting in with Deacon. I want to build a life for myself.

I want more.

“I’m not waiting around for a man to figure out that he wants me, or that it’s convenient for him to want me.”

Avril and Poppy share a glance.

“That sounds like the right attitude,” Avril says.

“Absolutely,” Poppy says. “Fuck him if he doesn’t realize how amazing you are.”

I smile and pull out some glasses for drinks. I don’t bother to say that I think Deacon cares, or cared, for me. I think he liked me a lot. It just wasn’t enough. And I need someone who thinks I’m worth moving mountains for.

The thought is settling in my brain and the sadness is pushed out by a little more hope than I’ve had since I last left the townhouse. Maybe it’s the knowledge that I haven’t wasted time or stayed still waiting for things to change. I’ve accepted things the way they are and I’m determined to move on, even if I haven’t yet. Even if I don’t know where I’m moving on to.

Listening to Darcy talk about The Rookery and how it’s the same as it always has been, and how they’re waiting for me to come back, doesn’t make me feel as good as I thought it would. I’m not here, wishing I was back there anymore. Yes, I’d like to be around the corner from Darcy, but she has her husband and children, and I don’t want to be on the sidelines of her life either.

I want a life of my own. I want a world of my own.

“Okay, so I have just weeks left in New York. And I want to see as much of the Big Apple as I can before I leave. Wanna help me make a plan to squeeze every last drop of juice from this city?”

“Yes,” Poppy says. “And can we invite ourselves along to some of the things we decide on too?”

“Have you done the Frick?” Avril asks. “Because that needs to be on your list.”

“Don’t bother with the Statue of Liberty,” Poppy says.