Page 67 of Honest Boys Don’t Play

“Once,” I reply.

“Do you remember where things are or do you want a tour?”

“A tour would be great,” I answer, probably too quickly.

Tanner leads me around showing me the locker room, gym, medical and physical therapy area, and finally he takes me out to the arena and we sit, staring down at the ice.

“Listen,” he says. “I still remember how nervous I was going pro and I just want to say that it’s okay to feel that way. It’s normal. I think it’s worse if you’re a cocky asshole who acts like nothing bothers you. We had a guy like that a few years ago and he didn’t mesh with the team. It made for a rough season. He ended up getting traded because of it. He wasn’t a bad player, but he wasn’t the fit for us. I know I don’t know you well yet, but you seem like the kind of guy who’s meant to be on our team for a long time. Take those nerves and use them to power you on the ice, okay?” He claps me on the shoulder. “And I’m here for you, anytime. I mean, you’re almost living in my house.” He laughs, shaking my shoulder before he lets his hand drop. “I want you to know I’m rooting for you, and I’m here for you any time you have any questions or need someone to talk to who gets it, okay? And we’ll be assigned to the same room on the road, so you’re not getting rid of me any time soon.”

I take a deep breath, absorbing his words. “Does it ever get to the point where any of this feels real? I feel like I don’t deserve this. There are a lot of talented players out there.”

“We all work hard,” he says, adjusting his purple Nashville Reign baseball cap. “And you have to be talented to get here, that tells me you deserve to be here. Sure, there are plenty of talented players, but everyone that makes it to the NHL has a quality that edges them out over someone else. Don’t get in your head about it. It won’t be good for you or the team. As for it feeling real, yeah, eventually it becomes your normal and I think that’s both a good thing and a bad thing. The nerves go away and it becomes your job, something you show up and do, but the bad part of that is I’ve seen some guys lose their passion because it is a job. If you don’t keep some sort of love for the sport, it’s not good.”

We sit there in silence for a while before Tanner stands and says, “You want to get on the ice?”

“I don’t have any gear.”

“Not to practice, just to shoot a few goals.”

Excitement races through my veins. “Yeah.” It’s hard to tamp down on my smile.

Twenty minutes later we’ve both laced up a pair of skates and stand on the ice. I can’t help but stand in the center of the ice and look around at the empty arena. It’s not like it’s really any different than the ice I played on at Aldridge but knowing that this is the big leagues makes it feel infinitely more vast.

As if reading my thoughts, Tanner says, “It feels different, doesn’t it?”

I chuckle. “It really does.”

“Being here now should help rid you of some nerves ahead of preseason.”

He gives me another minute to take it all in before we skate around and take turns shooting pucks into the empty goal net.

An hour or so passes and I’m tired and covered in sweat by the time we get off the ice. Neither of us has a change of clothes, so we don’t shower in the locker room.

Tanner drives us back to his home and the closer we get, the harder it is to contain my smile.

“What’s the deal with you and Bertie?” he asks. “I’m assuming you’re a couple, but I also sense an awkwardness there.”

I stiffen. Is it that obvious to other people?

“We’re figuring it out,” I reply. I debate momentarily on how much to tell him and decide to just be honest. “We met freshman year and I had a crush on her, but she ended up with someone else.”

“Fuck,” he curses. “That sucks.”

“They ended up breaking up for good our senior year and we reconnected. We were in the middle of taking things slow when she got pregnant.”

Tanner snorts and glances over at me. “Sounds like you weren’t exactly taking things slow then?”

I laugh. “She’s hard for me to resist. But yeah, obviously the baby wasn’t planned and since we hadn’t established what we were yet, she’s been hesitant. She doesn’t want me to choose her just because she’s pregnant.”

“Ah.” He turns into the long driveway. “Makes sense.”

“So, yeah, I want her to be my girlfriend but she’s hesitant so I’m respecting that, but I think she wants me too.”

“You’ll get it figured out. Everything always works out as it’s meant to.”

When the house comes into view, I can’t stop my smile when I spot Bertie outside in the front yard with Kayla, Lola, and Oliver.

“You know,” Tanner says, his voice serious. “At the end of the day, hockey is great and being pro is an incredible thing but this—” he gestures to his family “—is the most important thing. Family is going to be there long after you play your last game.”