Page 63 of Ashes to Ash’s

“It was one time,” I said softly, approaching him warily, like he could turn into a fucking werewolf, and rip me to shreds. “It meant nothing, but it was back when I thought there was no fucking chance in the world that you’d even look at me.”

Cal’s eyes lifted then, but he was glaring fiercely at me. Probably not the best sign.

“I was a lonely, desperate gay kid, Cal. I was feeling all kinds of things, and desperate for someone, anyone to fucking see me. I went to a club,” I said, still approaching him in that tentative manner, instead of doing what I’d done other times, acting like a predator to him.

“Stop,” he whispered, but I knew I couldn’t. That I shouldn’t. Hearing this was important, because he had to see that it meant nothing, because it wasn’t him.

“I was drunk.”

“Please,” he gasped, shaking his head slowly, his eyes still fixed on mine. I dropped to my knees again when I reached him, but I didn’t touch him. Fuck me, I was so close to him, I could see water droplets still sliding down his chest, but it was the torment in his eyes that ate away at me.

“I loved you, Cal. I’ve been in love with you since we first met. My family, we fall hard, and we fall forever. There’s never going to be someone else for me. Imagine feeling like that and knowing there’s no chance ever of it happening. You were rejecting me every time I even tried to speak to you. I needed someone to see me as something other than a nuisance or creep.”

“I don’t want to hear this, Ash, please.”

“It wasn’t cheating.” I kept pushing him, because I had to say it now. “You didn’t want me. Hell, he didn’t even want me. He just wanted to suck off some virgin kid, and I let him. I… I wanted to feel. Feel something other than hate, fear, or rejection. Something other than being that creepy kid nobody wants to hang with. You know how I always pushed the limits at school, and made a scene?”

I watched him for a nod or something, because I knew he knew, but he just released a sharp breath and kept staring at me.

“Everything I did there was to be seen. To fucking exist. To have people remember me, as something, anything. Was I disruptive? Of course, but people talked about me. People cheered me on. So I tanked my future, so what. You were meant to be my future, but you showed me daily that I wasn’t yours. Would never be yours.”

Cal stared down at his hands as they clenched and released, his breathing faster, harsher.

“You didn’t want me,” I said, letting a little of the pain into my voice that I’d swallowed back for so fucking long.

“Ash,” Cal gasped, but I wasn’t done.

“One fucking blowie in a nightclub bathroom is all it was, and you know what? It wasn’t worth it in the end. It didn’t leave me feeling seen. It left me feeling used. Dirty. I went home, and showered twice, and cried all alone in my bed, because it wasn’t you. My heart died a thousand fucking deaths because you never wanted me.”

Cal’s hand darted out suddenly, and despite everything, I flinched. Despite the fact that I didn’t care if he hit me, that I enjoyed pain, that I’d let him touch me any way he wanted to. Something in that sudden movement shocked me.

He wasn’t hitting me though. He wasn’t doing anything bad at all, he was stroking my cheek, and I leaned into his touch, wanting more. Wanting everything.

“Ash, every day I went home to parents who beat the hell out of me if I even looked gay to them. All I wanted was to be me, and to be with you. They had me so fucking broken that I believed them when they said I was filthy and disturbed. They broke me daily, and now I find out I did the same to you.”

He hadn’t merely been stroking my cheek. He’d been brushing away tears. I was crying like some fucking pussy, but now so was he. Only on him it didn’t look weak. It was beautiful. It was heartbreaking. It was truth. It was real.

“I knew I was hurting you, I’m sorry. I really did care, and hate that I was being cruel, but I was so afraid. They talked about sending me away, over and over, and I believed them. They made me fear where they were sending me, and they were honest about that. I was sent into hell, so I could be abused into being what they called normal. All because I couldn’t let go of you in my heart.”

Fuck me. I lifted up from sitting on my feet, and grabbed Cal’s face, pressing my lips against his. No tongues. No domination. No pushing him. Just a connection, because that’s what we both needed right now. To feel each other. To see each other.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered as I pulled back just enough to speak, our eyes so close to each other’s that he was blurred.

“Me too,” Cal murmured, pulling me back to his lips, but I fought it, because I had something I wanted more than this kiss.

“I love you, Cal. I need to say it, because I fucking need us both to hear it. I’ve loved you all my life. I’ll love you with the rest of it. Nobody else exists, you hear me?”

Cal’s fingers laced through my hair again as he nodded.

“Our love is forever, Ash. You’re mine. Mine to love, mine to share my life with. Mine to fuck. Mine to die with.”

Wow. He’d claimed me at last, but he wasn’t done. There was a devious look on his face that had appeared so suddenly I never actually saw it appear. Was it always there?

He flipped the towel open and pushed my head down toward his cock.

“Show me how fucking good it feels, Ash. Suck me, and make me fill your throat with cum.”

Jesus fuck, yes.