Page 56 of Ashes to Ash’s

Downstairs, I found Ren curled up on the sofa, wearing what looked like some of the generic sweatpants and t-shirt combos the houses were always populated with. We’d asked as kids, and the answer was always the same. Being prepared isn’t a crime. To be fair, I think it’d helped us all out at some point, so we’d stopped questioning our parents on it.

“Yours is there, and I’m just about to make some toast or something, so we don’t go to bed hungry,” Cal said, being the little homemaker I didn’t expect him to be.

“It’s past six am, we may as well just stay awake.”

I sat down and cradled my coffee in my hands, staring at the dark liquid, because my mind was still kinda twisted up.

“You okay?” Cal sat beside me, and tried to turn my head to look at him. I guess I fought it because right now I felt like a fucking pussy. He seemed to be handling it better than I was. Maybe, like Ethan, he was more of a Cross than I was already.

“Ash, it’s okay to be weirded out by what happened there.”

Yeah, keep laying it on me. I’m a pussy, and I shouldn’t be dwelling like this.

“How’s the kid?”

Cal sighed, running his fingers through my damp hair, an idle gesture that lifted my heart a little, and cleared my mind a touch.

“Confused. Afraid. Lost. Probably all the same things I was, and you were, only so much younger that it’s even harder to comprehend the evil he experienced.”

We watched the kid lift his head, eyeing us warily from his hiding place.

“They did it to both of you?”

Well, hell. There’s a conversation we probably didn’t want to have, right? I cleared my throat, suddenly unwilling to let the young boy know what Cal had done, because it’d just take away that little trust they’d built.

“Yeah. They did, but we survived it, and so will you.” Cal turned to blink wide owlish eyes at me. Yeah, I covered your fucking ass, so don’t mess it up.

Cal

I expected him to throw me under the bus, because I deserved it, didn’t I? Ash hadn’t been the dealer of my horrors, but I’d been that for him. I’d been through it, suffered all of the nightmares and dark thoughts, and yet I pushed that same evil onto him.

“Well-”

“The main thing is that we got to you before it happened, right, Ren?” Ash dug his fingers into my thigh and I got the point. Shut up, and move on.

“He said it was time for my rebirth,” Ren said quietly, and I shuddered, remembering it being called that for me too. Ash’s fingers softened and he rubbed my thigh gently. Ash being gentle. It was weird, but comforting right now, especially in front of this child who’d seen the worst of life already.

“How old are you?”

Ren sighed softly. “Eleven.” What. The. Actual. Fuck. Going through it at fifteen had been debilitating enough. That fucker was doing this to actual children too?

“And you don’t have a family wondering where you might be?” Ash looked stunned, like kids not having families was some kind of rarity, but I was starting to realise that his upbringing, while holding back on nothing that should be held back on, to develop the correct boundaries for children, had also closeted his mind from some of the realities too.

“He doesn’t have anyone,” I said quietly, but Ren suddenly groaned, and shook his head.

“I do have parents, but they pretty much handed me over to that monster, so why should I want to go back to them? They’re so afraid to have a gay kid that they wanted me to get ‘fixed’. I don’t need to be fixed!” Well, there was still some fire in him, and what a relief it was.

“No fucking way you’re going back to them. Fuckers. Want us to kill them too?” Ash suddenly looked fired up, and as insane as his family, even though I think the whole murder thing had hit him pretty hard today.

Ren laughed, sitting up taller in his seat, and I hoped to fuck that he wasn’t about to say yes, because this wasn’t meant to be a long term thing, killing anyone who disagreed with being gay. It was about removing the ones from my life who’d caused me harm. My own personal fucking crusade, or whatever. Was that selfish of me?

“I don’t even want to think about them again. They’re dead to me already,” Ren said firmly, looking from me to Ash, “can I stay with you?”

Ash looked at me, and I paused to see if he was going to answer, but he just patted my thigh again, and stayed silent. I could see it in his eyes though. He wasn’t kidding before. He was willing to take this poor troubled boy in, and I really wanted that too. Would we get it right though, or would he end up a mess no matter what?

“Cal, he’s waiting,” Ash said quietly, so I took a deep breath and turned to face Ren, the hope fading from his eyes as he took my silence for something other than it actually was.

“Yeah, kid. We have tons of room here, and… I mean, are we staying here, or…” I suddenly wondered if I was commandeering a property that we didn’t have any right to, long term.