Page 46 of Ashes to Ash’s

“Come on, you fuckers! These assholes won’t kill themselves!” Ethan yelled from outside the door, banging his fist on it several times. Since the car horn was silent, we both knew exactly who’d been leaning on it this whole time.

“I swear he’s more insane than all of us. He was normal once. Kinda like you,” I whispered as I leaned forward and kissed Cal once more, “now let’s go massacre a whole bunch of fuckers who thought they could constrain you, and keep your dick from me.”

Yep. My walls were firmly back up where they belonged. This shit had to happen, and I was ready for it. I just hoped I wouldn’t pussy out in front of my family, and the man I loved.

Cal

You can call me a lot of things, but I never thought murderer would be one of them, and now look at me. Ethan was driving the car, with Blaze in the front with him, and Ash and I were sitting in the back, and conversation washed over me now and then, but I wasn’t really paying attention to it. I was already mentally back at my uncle’s compound, trying to figure out what I’d say, and how things would play out. Would I have the balls to do this once we were there, faced with his sharp gaze, and his disdain, and his righteous belief that he’s all knowing, and all fucking powerful?

The monster had some kind of power over me, over people like me, those too weak to stick to their convictions, and who have no self-belief. How the hell was I supposed to stand up in front of him, and be strong, and… gay… and proud?

“Hey, wanna get out of your head, and talk to us, baby? We’re about to get our kill on!” Ash’s enthusiasm was more endearing than I’d expected, but maybe that was because I could see and feel how nervous he was too. The rest of his family was fucking certifiable, but Ash seemed vulnerable in a way I don’t think even he’d realised.

“What… what if I can’t?” I whispered, clinging to his hand like a fucking lifeboat, because I was suddenly so afraid he’d be disappointed in me, or ashamed of me. I couldn’t handle another person seeing me as something to look down on, or reject. I couldn’t be discarded or deemed unworthy by him too. Not him.

“It’s easy, you just do what you did to that bitch you killed.”

“Shut the fuck up, Ethan,” Ash yelled, ignoring the bastard’s laughter, while turning to face me, pulling on his seatbelt to allow the twisted position.

“Look, this is going to be hard, and I understand that. I know I seem like this dickish asshole who doesn’t get that normal people have feelings and stuff, but I get it. He had some kind of power over you, otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to coerce you into anything. That’s how he fucks with kids like you were… I mean, Cal, you were a kid, and they fucking let her rape you. She might have been a monster, but he’s worse, because he’s doing this over and over to try and fix kids who weren’t broken in the first fucking place!”

“He’s right, you know,” Blaze said, leaning around to stare at me from the front seat, “the fucker needs to die, but if he starts to brainfuck you, we’ll be there, and I love stabbing fuckers like him. I’ll make him bleed so much, he’ll paint the fucking room with it.”

“Hell yeah, I’m up for that,” Ethan fell silent for a moment, then sighed, “I used to be a normie, but Em really fucked with my head, didn’t she?”

“No shit. I mean, I prefer you now, since you’re not so fucking uptight, but yeah, you’re worse than me now,” Blaze said with a dark chuckle.

Ash laughed, leaning close to bump my shoulder with his. “He’s not kidding. See, we’re all completely fucking mental in our family, but if someone breaks, they’re worse. That’ll be you too, but that’s okay. I find it really hot when you get all predatory and growly. Gives me such a boner.”

“Gross,” Blaze murmured, turning back to face the road, while Ethan chuckled.

“Yeah, like you don’t say the same damn shit where we can all hear it.”

“Yeah, but he’s my little brother, and that’s not the kinda shit I wanna hear from him.”

I knew it should have been freaking me out, but in some ways this felt like the family I’d never had and had always yearned for. They might be crazy motherfuckers, but they were more of a family than I’d ever experienced, and I was really starting to enjoy being around them. I had a feeling if I put a step wrong, one or more of them would relish gutting me like a pig, but it still didn’t scare me. What scared me was what was going to happen when we reached the compound.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Ash

It took us almost an entire afternoon of driving to get to the fucker’s place, and by the time we were settled in at our hotel, all I wanted to do was sleep, but we couldn’t delay what we were planning, because Cal was losing his nerve by the second, and I didn’t want him to change his mind, and back out. He needed this closure, because he needed to accept who he really was, and this fucker was an obstacle that needed to be utterly fucking destroyed.

I downed a strong coffee in our room, while he stared out of the window, staying way too silent for my liking.

“Ash,” he suddenly whispered, and I joined him at the window, putting myself between him and the glass.

“Talk to me, baby.”

“I’m scared,” he murmured, lowering his eyes like he was ashamed of that fact. Didn’t he realise that most of us were scared most of our fucking lives? My family might have made sure I had little to worry about, because it was all taken care of, but I was smart enough to realise that life could be shit for so many people, and every action we take has consequences we can’t even begin to imagine.

I live in fear that one day someone will figure out some of the things my family has done, and they’ll take one or more of them away from me. I’ve always been very aware of our mortality, and losing any of them gave me night terrors as a kid. That’s when I figured out that pain was something that not only quieted my brain, but also gave me a pleasure I hadn’t experienced before.

“It’s okay to be scared, but you know what’s more important?”

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, your bloodthirsty brother and brother-in-law get to see tons of blood.”

I couldn’t fight the grin on my face, but I shook my head, because that wasn’t where I was going with this. At least right now.