Page 26 of Ashes to Ash’s

Bodily confusion. “Fuck you, you disgusting fucking molester of children. This is why we’re here. This is… if you hadn’t… FUCK!”

She tutted quietly, and I eyed that blade. Would I have the courage to use it on her? Could I ever harm another human being? If it came down to it, and my only choice was that or dying of dehydration, could I take that step, knowing there was no way back? If I wasn’t bound for hell yet, that one act would guarantee it.

Chapter Seventeen

Ash

Isat in the dark office, listening to them talking, like somehow I’d hear something that might redeem Cal, so I could still keep him. I hadn’t considered that possibility, because the way I’d felt after what they did to me meant all I wanted was to make them hurt. I wanted them in pain like I was. I wanted to punish them. To avenge myself. To avenge other kids like me. How could Cal go through this sickness, and then force it on another? Especially the guy who’s literally in love with him, and has been for years!

A soft knock on the door came seconds before it slid open, and a mug of coffee was extended through the gap.

“I don’t want to talk to anyone,” I said gruffly, resting my chin on my stacked fists and sighing. Things had gone quiet in there, and while it sounded like Cal might be starting to come around, wasn’t it too little too late? Could I actually forgive him, or would I just play with him, like a cat with a mouse, then force myself to live without him?

“Don’t need to talk to drink,” Ethan said, as he slid the mug on the desk I was leaning on. He didn’t leave though, he sat down in the only other chair, and cupped his hands around his own drink. I glared at him, wondering why the fuck he didn’t just leave, so I could wallow in private.

“And you don’t need to stay for me to drink it.”

“The words you’re looking for are ‘thank you’, dipshit. I just thought you might need a little company, but we don’t need to talk. We’re hardly going to have shit in common, right?” He was so different from the man who’d first arrived at my parents’ place to teach Ember. Older, obviously, but gruff, snarky, and sometimes just downright inappropriate. He was deeply possessive of my sister, his wife, as evidenced by that tattoo that he always made sure was visible on his neck.

“Did they tell you?”

Ethan shook his head. “Your dads wouldn’t tell me if I was on fire, although I guess I’d see Gray preparing to rub one out at the ‘beautiful flames’, and I’d be able to figure it out. Blaze just said that you needed to get revenge on someone. That was enough for me. Family, right?”

Yeah, family. A family that kept growing because my siblings were finding love, but the one person I wanted would rather let someone abuse me, than be with me.

“He was all I wanted,” I found myself saying, even though I’d insisted I wouldn’t talk. Ethan didn’t respond, leaving me to blurt everything out, or maybe he really just didn’t give a shit.

“All he had to do was give me a chance. Am I so fucking unlovable?”

Ethan cleared his throat and I turned to look at him, feeling so fucking vulnerable talking about this shit with him.

“I think you’re all bat-crap crazy, but you’re not unlovable, Ash. If he’s struggling with his sexuality, maybe he needs a little help seeing what he’s missing, and if I doubted whether I was as messed up as your dads before, I don’t anymore.”

“The real question is if I can forgive him, and let him live right now, but thanks.”

He cleared his throat again. “For not loving you?”

I looked away from him, lowering my voice.

“For helping her rape me.”

Ethan’s chair scraped back against the floor, and his mug slammed down on the desk as he turned for the door.

“What… where are you going?” Was he disgusted? Did he see what must have been in me to turn Cal off too?

“Gonna help them use that fucking knife,” Ethan hissed, as he pulled the door open. I lurched up from my seat and grabbed his arm, halting him, even though he turned to glare at me like I was suddenly the bad guy.

“No. He has to kill her first.”

He shook my hand off his arm, and faced me. “I’m hardly one to talk, because I’m now a ‘consent is a grey area’ kinda guy, but at least Em was into me. Not only were you not into her, but you don’t even fucking like women. What she did is disgusting.”

I swallowed hard, surprised to find such a strong advocate in Ethan, who I’d never really taken the time to get to know properly.

“I wonder how many times they’ve done that crap to people.”

“Ash.”

I went back to my seat, because while I could watch the feed, and listen to Cal, I wasn’t leaving this fucking room. This room was my prison as much as that cold, tiled room was his.